The best of vmarinelli (Victoria Marinelli)

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1. 

   GOD it's so embarrassing when he catches me looking at porn and by porn I mean the Levenger catalog.
   [10 hours, 40 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   You'd think the disgustingness of Fritos burps would be enough to get me to stop eating Fritos. You'd- [***BRRAPP***]-think.
   [19 hours, 38 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   In honor of the upcoming Bring Your Child to Work day, my husband would like a job.
   [21 hours, 44 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   ""Adjusting the carpet's settings to 'low-shag.'""
   [22 hours, 40 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   At the 4th grade recorder concert. Not at all hoping the girl who keeps bullying my daughter falls backwards off the bleachers.
   [1 day, 19 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   Psychology experiment! Drop the phrase "as a condition of my release" into casual conversations, then deny having said any such thing.
   [2 days, 4 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   Oh SHUT UP, Eric Cantor.
   [2 days, 8 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   You say "found poem," I say "cutting your grocery list into fourths and then reading one of those fourths into a microphone is asinine."
   [2 days, 20 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   "I need a fanny pack."
   "So get one!"
   "But Twitter will make fun of me."
   "Not if you beat 'em to it."
   HEY TWITTER: I AM GETTING A FANNY PACK.
   [3 days, 23 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    "During great stress, I'll serve as an intermediary between you & seemingly nonthreatening ladies from church" wasn't in his vows, he notes.
    [4 days, 2 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    Thing I learned about paprika this morning: It is not nearly as delicious in oatmeal as its spice rack companion, cinnamon.
    [4 days, 6 hours ago, faved by 19] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    Presented without comment: Feminist-icon-turned-raging-Islamophobe's latest column for Pajamas Media is titled "The Goddess That Failed."
    [4 days, 16 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    @damselesque Thanks! Once again I am futilely nostalgic for "red velvet cake."
    [4 days, 18 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    If memory serves, persons who should be allowed to live-tweet the Oscars include, first and foremost, @phyllisstein and @gordonshumway. FYI.
    [4 days, 18 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    I get some of my best ideas in the bathtub. Masturbation, for instance.
    [4 days, 19 hours ago, faved by 22] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    CNN jobs report: "Short-term hope, long-term despair." Awesome! We TOTALLY have a head start on the long-term despair!
    [5 days, 4 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Dear Hobos: Having an accomplice lurch at a citizen who's about to give you $5 so you can take ALL his cash is bad PR for all of hobo-kind.
    [5 days, 7 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    In response to your kind questions, yes, husband really was mugged last night. BUT not injured, only out $40, & show was free. C'est la vie.
    [5 days, 7 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    My husband went to the Alice in Chains show and all I got was this lousy story about his getting robbed on the street by a team of hobos.
    [5 days, 11 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    What's the local company that deals with crime scene cleanup? Wondering if they handle karma.
    [5 days, 17 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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