The best of the_dza (D. E. Benson)

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1. 

   Me: Is that peanutbutter capn' crunch? Her: No, it's chickpeas. Do you want some? Me: Peanutbutter capn' crunch? Her: No, chickpeas. Me: ...
   [9 hours, 55 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Sometimes therapy feels like a neverending employee evaluation except I'm the lazy employee and the asshole boss. Which way is HR?
   [21 hours, 52 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   I don't look good in green so I'm wearing blue. Fuck you, I'm part Irish. . .and a little drunk.
   [2 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   Eating a TON of blue icing so I can poop green all day tomorrow. I doubt they will let my floaters in the parade.
   [2 days, 12 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   @elizabite The price of independence is surely patience no?
   [2 days, 14 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   Why does the gas station sell digital scales and mini-zips.
   [2 days, 21 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   I'm watching The View AND Live. Somebody come and Rage Day me in the face. #rageday
   [2 days, 22 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   FUCKING TYLER PERRY'S HOUSE OF PAIN!!!! #rageday
   [2 days, 23 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   FUCKING TYPOS!!!!!! #rageday
   [2 days, 23 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    700 Club is on. Rage Day list is growing by leaps and bounds. #rageday
    [2 days, 23 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    Clarence Thomas' wife joins the teaparty. Get in line behind that couple to help me celebrate Rage Day.
    [2 days, 23 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    Hamas declares a day of rage. I will celebrate by punching any motherfucker I want IN THE FACE. . .after a nap.
    [2 days, 23 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    Apparently Life Day has something to do with Chewbacca's dad watching softcore music videos and Bea Arthur? Goodnight but not goodbye.
    [3 days, 9 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    .@Mike_FTW is kind of my hero, but don't tell that asshole I said that.
    [3 days, 9 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    My mom doesn't care about black people. If she did there would be cornbread mix up in this house.
    [4 days, 16 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    Sometimes people love you just the way you aren't.
    [1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Twitter is in the location game and I'm the mayor of this bathroom. Big surprise there.
    [1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    I have an etiquette question. Is it ok to use the joint checking account to pay for happy endings?
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    See! Zero effect! It's just like when I egg her on when she talks in her sleep. Hilarious!!
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    SOMEBODY doesn't follow me on her phone so I can crack wise all day. Pooty pooty butt meat, I farted on your carseeat.
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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