The best of the_dza (D. E. Benson)

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1. 

   Twitter is in the location game and I'm the mayor of this bathroom. Big surprise there.
   [10 hours, 4 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   I have an etiquette question. Is it ok to use the joint checking account to pay for happy endings?
   [1 day, 7 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   See! Zero effect! It's just like when I egg her on when she talks in her sleep. Hilarious!!
   [1 day, 10 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   SOMEBODY doesn't follow me on her phone so I can crack wise all day. Pooty pooty butt meat, I farted on your carseeat.
   [1 day, 10 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   Do you think @elizabite would mind if I have them throw a flowmaster on her Element? Do you think @abigvictory will make a flowmaster joke?
   [1 day, 10 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   I'm about to live tweet this oil change. I hope they don't try and give me the midas touch. Their hands are filthy!
   [1 day, 11 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   The way I see it I am just one squirrel feeder away from pet squirrels.
   [2 days, 7 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   Now that the Star Wars Holiday Special download is complete I can go to Temple and make knishes.
   [2 days, 11 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   Remember when you all liked Avatar?
   [3 days, 23 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    OMG! Edgar Winter looks great!
    [4 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    OMG! Kanye looks terrible!
    [4 days, 1 hour ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    Long old movies be long. #20000leaguesunderthesea
    [4 days, 8 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    What if it was you hanging up on this cross? Give me back that filet o' fish. Give me that fish.
    [4 days, 10 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    WHERE IS MY SEDER PLATE PUZZLE?!?!
    [4 days, 11 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    I'm off to teach the children the 5th question of Passover. WHEN DO WE EAT? If you don't get it you can goygle it.
    [4 days, 12 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    Shamrock shake farts surprisingly and unfortunately smell no different than regular farts.
    [5 days, 6 hours ago, faved by 10] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Sometimes I think Americans deserve America.
    [5 days, 7 hours ago, faved by 10] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    Searching twitter for iCarly. Please help me.
    [5 days, 10 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    At this length my hair sort of rejects my kippah.
    I hate this time of the month. Amirite, ladies?
    [6 days, 2 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    So, what other racial slurs make you guys uncomfortable?
    [6 days, 5 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

     
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