The best of sween (Jason Sweeney)

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1. 

   Destiny of the Endless in hoodie and backpack. http://j.mp/98Wam4
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Who needs fiber when you have stress?
   [1 month ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   Still better than Jar-Jar. http://j.mp/cwFNAm
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   Oh, triceratops. You'll always be a planet to me.
   [1 month ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   It could be worse—at least it's spelled "caulk".
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   What do you mean Ken dolls aren't anatomically correct? That's what mine looks like.
   
   (I mean my penis. It looks like a Ken doll.)
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   Wife: "I had a party in my pants and it was pee and then I peed it out and now my pants are empty."
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   Pointing out plot inconsistencies in "The Goonies" just like my forefathers.
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   guy behind me in line just stole his daughter's nose calling the police oh wait wait he gave it back
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    Dear woman carrying a kitten in a bucket of popcorn while screaming "FRODO? YOU AWAKE, FRODO?" at a second-story window:
    
    You complete me.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    When I see roadkill, I imagine furry CSIs spreading twigs around the body, looking for pawprints, cracking grim jokes to keep from howling.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    Choo-choo! Chugga-chugga! Train's going in the station! Train's leaving the station! Train's going in the station! Train's sleepy now.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    Okay. When *exactly* did making choo-choo noises during sex become a turn-off?
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    I didn't understand jujitsu until I realized I always get the remote but my wife always picks the show.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    When my wife and I reminisce about farts is when I know we will be together forever.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    Seriously. Rhinos really love slushies. http://j.mp/d5X3kV
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Wife: "I wanted to give you some peace and quiet, but you ruined it with my shrieking!"
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    Two steps forward, one step back, fall down hole.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    Sleep tight. http://j.mp/98iejz
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    A good way to test your knowledge of swear words is to discover you didn't properly close a can of paint when it falls over in your car.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 21] [at twitter]

     
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