The best of sucittaM (MJ)

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1. 

   When you perfume, you make a perf out of you and me.
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Vagisil® doesn't taste nearly as good as the commercial claims.
   
   Holy shit am I drunk!
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   Pro Tip: Ask the guy sitting next to you if he's gonna freak out about you watching fetish porn before you waste $8 on in-flight wifi.
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   I'm not (boobs) sure what (boobs) part of (boobs) Summer is (boobs) my favorite (boobs).
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   Do you know how easy it is to text "tit" instead of "you" when you're drunk?
   
   Anyways mom, Love tit!
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   Texting "So, how are things?" to every unknown number in my phone. This will undoubtedly end well.
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   If I ever get kidnapped, I hope:
   
   A. The kidnappers feed me McGriddles. and
   B. They don't kill or eat me.
   
   In that order.
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   If you love someone, set them on fire. Then by comparison you are always the good looking one.
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   My neighbor does some really fucked up shit when she doesn't know I'm hiding in her closet masturbating in a chicken costume .
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    My wife showed me her boobs for our anniversary. Now I don't even remember what we were talking about.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    I've completed my 1st four year term as husband and have been elected to a 2nd. Let the lame duck husbandry begin.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    My wife wore a dress tonight. I assume that means she wants to bang in a restroom, and I'm too stupid to be convinced otherwise.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    "So how many fingers do I have to use to create a permanent bond?"
    
    And that's how you get blacklisted at the pet store.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    My Furby used to say "I love you". Then I dropped him and now all he does is mutter nonsense and abuse pain pills.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    I keep trying to take a picture of this mirror, but this stupid looking jerk keeps getting in the way.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    My dog can eat more condoms than your honor student.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    I just put a seashell up to my ear and it said "fuck Tony Hayward".
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    It's a good thing the supermarket cashier makes sure none of my eggs are broken, because if he didn't I'd fucking stab him.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    Look, I don't want to be THAT guy... but schizophrenia is a bitch.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    Old woman that lived in a shoe: Total slut.
    
    
    Admit it, you were thinking the same thing.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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