The best of stevewhitaker (Steve Whitaker)

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1. 

   Spray-on-sunblock is so expensive that I've taken to just wrapping the kids in aluminum foil when we go to the beach.
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   What the fuck is Google Wave?
   [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   My son comments on the unrealistic nature of the mechanical hands in Mickey's clubhouse.
   
   YEAH. NEVERMIND THE TALKING FUCKING MOUSE.
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   BREAKING: Triangle Man, serving two consecutive life sentences for the murders of Particle Man and Person Man, shanked to death in prison.
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   IT PUTS THE CASE ON ITS IPHONE OR IT GETS THE DROPPED CALL
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   I think I'm getting my Pon Farr.
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   I just got a book deal!
   
   Well, a Barnes and Noble card.
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   Wow. Apparently, Monday is both Free Kids' Meal AND High School Tramp Nite at Chick-Fil-A.
   [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   Boy, Blomkvist sure likes that fucking iBook, doesn't he.
   [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    My son, from upstairs: "Tremble in fear before my doominator!!!"
    
    We're raising that kid right.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    Doc, I'm not doubting your expertise. I've just never been checked for a "penis murmur" with someone's mustache before.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    The TV weather forecast for today is just a picture of sweaty testicles.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    This is how the world ends; not with a bang but with a JESUS ARE YOU KIDDING ME HEAT INDEX OF 115!?!??!!
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    Happy birthday to @thefoodgeek! For your birthday, I'll be popping naked out of a giant flan that will be sitting on your porch all day.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    There's nothing like being woken up by the smell of your own armpits.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    MAN IF FRIDAY NIGHT DON'T MEAN GETTIN' LAID I guess this is Friday night
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Did you guys feel that? I think Sting's arrogance just leveled up again.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    "Daddy, say 'knock, knock.' "
    
    "Knock, kn-"
    
    "I'm poo that comes from your butt and I'm in your mouth!"
    
    5-year-old humor is not nuanced.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    @ronbailey I know what's made around the corner.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    <serioustweet>
    I'm happy to announce that I just accepted a tenure-track professorship in education at Longwood University!
    </serioustweet>
    [1 month, 3 weeks ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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