The best of slugworthy

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1. 

   "The sound of a ukelele always causes me to have a panic attack. Don't worry. I'm currently undergoing therapy."
   
   #WhatDonHoRapeVictimsSay
   [1 day, 12 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   I'm so rich that every shower I take is a golden shower.
   ...Isn't that awesome?
   [1 day, 13 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   I *love* when celebrities like Tiger Woods & Jesse James say they "used poor judgment" when they cheated.
   
   Well, No. Fucking. Shit.
   [1 day, 17 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   I just took a shit so huge that several fertilizer companies are currently in a bidding war over it. I'm gonna be rich!
   #DDR
   [1 day, 18 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   RT @SamGrittner
   When I go to the club, I throw out I.O.U.'s like a mutha! I'll make it raincheck all night!!!
   [2 days, 2 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   My ass is so huge and pock marked that they could film another fake moon landing on its surface.
   
   My rates are cheap, if NASA's interested.
   [2 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   I just based my life on a true story, uninspired by real events.
   [2 days, 17 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   There used to be two Grand Canyons, until I took a huge dump in one of them. Now, the towering Mount Doodoo stands in its place.
   [4 days, 10 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   Does Hallmark® have "Sorry I pissed in your refrigerator last night when I was drunk" cards?
   Cuz where I come from,they'd be pretty popular.
   [5 days, 4 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    Does anyone* want me to hop**on my private jet*** & come pleasure**** them?
    
    
    
    
    [*any person or animal]
    [**crawl]
    [***lawn mower]
    [****rape]
    [5 days, 8 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    I don't like calling them "vaginal warts."
    I prefer "stalactites" and "stalagmites" in a bitch's "love cave."
    ...Nice, huh?
    [6 days, 16 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    (Drunk tweet.)
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    I've figured out why Wifey never gives me blowjobs. Her jaw's exhausted from nagging & bitching me out all day everyday.
    Makes total sense.
    [1 week, 2 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    "Here lies Slugworthy.
    pepperoni & sausage."
    
    --my tombstone.
    [1 week, 2 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    So, is @sween like "The Sanjaya of Twitter", or what?
    [1 week, 3 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    @toddadamson
    You just proved that not only is it never too soon on Twitter, it's also never too late on Twitter.
    [1 week, 3 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    "I put the fucker in motherfucker,
    ...right mom?"
    
    *pulls my cock out of her mouth*
    ..."Right you are, sonnyboy!"
    
    *squirt!*squirt!*squirt!*
    [1 week, 3 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    Cialis® now comes with a photo of your mom & these instructions:
    "If priapism occurs, look at this ugly bitch to soften your erection."
    [1 week, 4 days ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    I coined the term "coin".
    ...you're welcome.
    [1 week, 4 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    I'm glad my granddad is also my dad & my mom is also my sister cuz the love we share between us is as well rounded as my cousin's hot ass.
    [1 week, 5 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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