The best of slugworthy

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1. 

   I just got off from work, so let me take this opportunity to welcome all my new followers. My old followers can go fuck themselves.
   [4 months, 3 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   #memes are like cocaine. You hate 'em as much as you love 'em, & they're hard to stop 'til they're all gone, in which case you want more.
   [4 months, 3 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   ...no, YOU'RE eating your passed out friend's boogers for the residual cocaine right now!
   [4 months, 3 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   "No one laughs on facebook, but Twitter thinks I'm hilarious!"
   
   Ever see a bunch of retards laughing for no apparent reason?
   I rest my case.
   [4 months, 3 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   I just went out & bought five jars of mayonnaise because I've never celebrated Cinco de Mayo before, & I wanna be fully prepared in advance.
   [4 months, 3 weeks ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   I'm not saying I overuse my iPhone, but I did just catch it sending out a coded distress signal to Steve Jobs.
   [4 months, 4 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   I just put the oops! in poops.
   Related: They may still be tighty, but they ain't so whitey no more.
   [4 months, 4 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
   You can go that route or take the shortcut by getting a job where I work.
   [4 months, 4 weeks ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   Wifey makes me appetizers while I wait for my dinner. Eat your heart out.
   Come to think of it, she probably has a great recipe for that too.
   [4 months, 4 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    Welcome to my world of luxury* and deceit**.
    
    
    
    *Velveeta® shells and cheese.
    **a rolled up sock in my pants.
    [4 months, 4 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    I finally tweeted my typo tweet off my @favstar recent page.
    Misson acomlished!
    [4 months, 4 weeks ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    Aren't all these Kraken jokes hilarious? I'm not doing one only because I lack originality and imagination. Sorry about that.
    [4 months, 4 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    Does this gut hanging over the steering wheel of my Walmart issue Hoveround® make me look fat?
    [4 months, 4 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    Sometimes my cock catches a whiff of my breath after I eat sushi, and I wind up skull fucking myself.
    ...So I never eat sushi on a 1st date.
    [4 months, 4 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    Trying to weed out my underage followers becomes difficult because everyone on Twitter sounds and acts like they're twelve years old.
    [4 months, 4 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    I've had trouble reaching my asshole since I hurt my back 3 days ago. Those who've followed me a while know how truly devastating that is.
    [4 months, 4 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    "BOOM BOOM ( Let's Go Back to my Room)"
    
    #songswithinstructions
    [4 months, 4 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    Carpe DM: seize the private tweet.
    [4 months, 4 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    Knowing is half the bottle.
    Unknowing is the *other half* of the bottle.
    [5 months ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    I'm ready to deflower a virgin bitch with my throbbing pollen coated cock.
    Who's up for some fertilizing, germinizing, & sperminizing!?
    [5 months ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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