The best of scottsimpson (Scott Simpson)

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1. 

   @rsa You keep away from my Mavis. She's the quick brown fox to my lazy dog.
   [1 hour, 56 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   I think @johnroderick is on to something: we need to get hipsters into wizard hats. NOW.
   [13 hours, 24 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   Excitedly Shazaming a song only to see it's the Black Eyed Peas is the new chlamydia.
   [1 day, 12 hours ago, faved by 11] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   Eyeglasses smudges = nerd kudzu.
   [1 day, 16 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   My children have tons of souvenirs from my trips, all purchased minutes before they pick me up at the San Francisco Airport.
   [2 days ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   After years of "West Wing" I'm OK with "POTUS," but that lady is way to hot to be referred to as "FLOTUS."
   [2 days, 12 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   Diane Sawyer? Is Diane Sawyer in a hijab funnier than Ann Curry in a hijab? I am lost inside this joke. I'll let it go.
   [3 days, 12 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   It's all fun and games until Ann Curry SHOWS UP in a hijab. That's the funny verb. Not "breaks out." Should have Birdhoused it longer.
   [3 days, 12 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   It's all fun and games until Ann Curry breaks out her hijab.
   [4 days, 1 hour ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    Just let myself get sucked into the Eye Rub Pleasure Spiral. Now my eyes are totally bloodshot, but it was worth it.
    [4 days, 8 hours ago, faved by 15] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    Bad news: Locks of Love won't take my neck beard.
    [5 days, 6 hours ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    OK, the transplant was a success. I have chest hair! Now what do I do with it?
    [5 days, 10 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    I give good bedhead.
    [6 days, 12 hours ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    I like Emergen-C: it's like slipping yourself a healthy Mickey. (I keep a dose in my giant pinky ring.)
    [6 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    In my dream the rich blonde lady kept saying "tofu" when she meant "typhoon," as I painted her toenails and cursed her under my breath.
    [1 week ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    I wonder if the TSA sweater vest is popular in the secondhand clothes shops of West Germany.
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    SXSW style question: roll up my cuffs, Billy Bragg-style, or roll up my sleeves, Bea Arthur-style?
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    I'm jealous of purses. They turn every day into a little voyage that you have to pack for.
    [1 week, 2 days ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    Sleeping under a pile of quilts, out here on the couch, I feel wild, like Daniel Boone, from the Bible, must have felt.
    [1 week, 2 days ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    Any office building could open a side business as an action movie theme park just by charging to let you crawl through the ductwork.
    [1 week, 3 days ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

     
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