The best of scottsimpson (Scott Simpson)

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1. 

   I wish they made a version of the flu shot that you didn't have to get every day.
   [5 days, 3 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   I'm sorry that a chicken had to wake up in a bathtub full of ice in Tijuana, but this liver is delicious.
   [6 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   Yard sale archaeologists can pinpoint exactly when you were depressed by studying the late-night infomercial products on your driveway.
   [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   The Penguins of Madagascar is Mad Men for my inner 6 year-old.
   [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   Is there a cheaper model of bread machine designed to go directly into storage?
   [1 month ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   I'm the kind of bad boy who starts crossing the intersection 3, even 4, seconds before the Walk sign.
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   Hmm, repeatedly clicking on various email messages in my inbox is not making them disappear. Well, might as well go home—I tried!
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   10,000 Maniacs: still the best known treatment for Erectile Function Syndrome.
   [1 month ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   Today they're purely decorative, but pubic hair shave patterns were once used in a ship-to-ship communication system called "semaphore."
   [1 month ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    @gruber Go back and watch it again. Emmy goes to the toilet in that scene.
    [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    All that shaving cream you can't get from your hands onto your face? I'll bet you just throw it away. I donate mine to charity.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    SUPER excited that 6 of my poems have been chosen for inclusion in "The 100 Greatest Poems of All Time (Edited by Scott Simpson)".
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    Sure, SHE can say women have no sense of direction, but when I say it (while holding a shotgun) suddenly it's "not cool," and "terrifying".
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    Never join a cult led by a guy who plays fretless bass. #tuesdayswiththewrongmorrie
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    Jesus. The mall is Twitter Yaddo.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    Dressed like an 8 year-old in plaid shorts, flip-flops, and a hoodie. If Us Weekly caught me right now my publicist would be busy for days.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Fortunately, my wife only ever asks me who I imagine in my sexual fantasies (her), not what she sounds like (Andre the Giant).
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    For meeting women at the park, nothing beats going for a stroll with a really cute penis.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    Playing with his kids in the hot sun all day, a man sure can work up a powerful boredom.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 11] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    Commie Courtesy http://flic.kr/p/8miAgr
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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