The best of plaid_lemur (Nikolai)

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1. 

   I wonder if ugly people make a pretty face when they orgasm.
   [16 hours, 24 minutes ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Heidi Montag hired a psychic as her manager, which is great because they'll need someone to figure out where her career's body will wash up.
   [22 hours, 12 minutes ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   I like to be naked when I grapple with my mortality because mortality is a bitch, and I'm really attracted to bitches.
   [1 day, 9 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   I think my neighbors hate full body tans because they always call the cops when I'm sunning my taint.
   [1 day, 11 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   I like to cum on a woman's back because that way they won't notice it until the go to hang up their suit jacket.
   [1 day, 15 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   I bet if women bled chocolate sauce, and men squirted marshmallow, people would blush when they bought ice cream.
   [1 day, 19 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   @jane_bot Your workout just gave me a...the...inspiration to...ahhh...have a little workout myself.
   [2 days, 9 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   If my brain were in my penis I wouldn't even be able to stare at your tits because that would be a tiny brain, and those are really big tits
   [2 days, 9 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   If I were an epileptic I'd carry around a boom box with the soundtrack to The Omen on it so people wouldn't wonder what was happening to me.
   [2 days, 11 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    I think I'd give more of a shit if I ate more fiber.
    [3 days, 7 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    I bet some astronomers can't tell black holes apart because they're racists.
    [4 days, 20 hours ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    I bet astronomers are going to be really surprised when they find an Asian hole.
    [4 days, 20 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    @Smmythe I loved that joke. If silly makes you laugh, there's no shame in it.
    [5 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    If women really did have tacos between their legs, I wouldn't eat at Mexican restaurants because that's just unsanitary.
    [5 days, 14 hours ago, faved by 16] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    @timhaines @gneicco Nay, lupin.
    [6 days, 7 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    America used to be a place where a dog blow job joke GOT you followers. I don't know what's happening to this country. (cue national anthem)
    [6 days, 7 hours ago, faved by 30] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Sometimes when I come I scream because dogs aren't very good at blow jobs.
    [6 days, 8 hours ago, faved by 31] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    @abigvictory Does The Sandwich of Truth have awesomesauce™ on it?
    [6 days, 15 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    I bet when Richard Gere is an asshole to fans no one asks him what's stuck up his butt.
    [6 days, 15 hours ago, faved by 17] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    Hey, you lovable crack hounds! Another Underappreciated Follow Friday: @TheInfamousGdub is so funny, pubescent pop stars steal his tweets.
    [6 days, 19 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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