The best of phyllisstein (Daniel)

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1. 

   Hey cute bouncer! I don't have a bag, but could I check my book of essays by a mnemonic-socialist Mexican revolutionary? Othanks. #diealone
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Jesus, barmaid, when I smile it means "You have thirty seconds to fetch me more liquor," not "Yer cuuuute!" Don't look flirty, look afraid.
   [1 month ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   I miss hanging with the WBC. Dudes never think the guy next to a FAGS DOOM NATIONS sign is going all Leviticus 18:22 on them in his head.
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   Dear Sir:
   Stop looking so confused. Your toddler is crying because you keep re-popping its collar. You're welcome.
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   I still don't believe straight men are evolved enough to enjoy things they can't fuck or eat.
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   Two poop tweets in one day. You know what they say: She may be pretty, but she still gets shitty.
   
   WELL THEY'LL SAY IT NOW.
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   On this day in 2000, our nation's most beloved stars, the two who could never fall from the firmament, wed. Happy 10th, Brad and Jen!
   
   Awww.
   [1 month ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   It's terrifying to imagine how much the world would have to change to stop terrifying me.
   [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   @gordonshumway Whatever you do, don't ask Trebek for a mustache ride.
   [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    I like when people hear me talk about hating whites and triumphantly shout, "Ah! Then you have to hate YOURSELF!" Um, beatcha to it, sister.
    [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    Baby boomers get older every day, making now the perfect time to invest in my nostalgia-themed crematorium: "Get Baked."
    [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    Home sweet toilet.
    [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    I always take my pills out to restaurants. The dude muttering over his mood stabilizers never gets slow service.
    [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    I Drove Out Of My Way And Got Lost In A Spooky Cornfield To Find An IHOP That'd Been Closed And All I Got Was This Lousy Crying Jag
    [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    Downstate Illinois: Hate Corn Yet? You're Gonna!™
    [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    Missouri: We Perpetrated Genocide Against Native Americans for THIS?™
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Best vague iApp description goes to @fabulis, whose gay location-based social app lets you "earn fabulis bits by doing stuff." Laddies.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    I'd like to dedicate this piercing shriek in the key of "cartoon '50s housewife" to the spider in my sheets. Spidey baby—this one's for you.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    Out for Mexican with @the_dza. 16oz of margarita in, I've so far managed to avoid screaming "I'M GOING QUESO QURAZY!"
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    Turns out I can measure the fallout from my WBC trip in tolerons: the units of measure indicating my tolerance for your gay jokes.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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