The best of phyllisstein (Daniel Shannon)

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1. 

   @drw I figure the best way to handle uncomfortable reminders of your mortality is to turn them into comforting reminders of someone else's.
   [13 hours, 27 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Take heart. Every dead child star means five minutes closer to midnight on @justinbieber's personal Doomsday Clock.
   [18 hours, 22 minutes ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   That's going to be today's "Heath Ledger quits us" tweet, isn't it?
   
   Go ahead, whole rest of the Internet!
   
   Say it! Teach me to hate again!
   [1 day, 4 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   Maybe he could've read the dosing instructions correctly if he'd taken off his sunglasses.
   [1 day, 5 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   Eat them with a fork and potato chips are just hash browns you didn't have to cook.
   
   I'ma call my Food Network show "Fryin' 'n' Cryin'!"
   [1 day, 7 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   You learn a lot about a man in those moments of heart-rending struggle between seeing the jar of gravy and not drinking the jar of gravy.
   [1 day, 18 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   @emilyelisabeth And Reverend Camden IS ALWAYS THE RAPIST.
   [2 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   @emilyelisabeth Yesss. Here are the storylines:
   1)White woman gets raped.
   2)WW gets divorced.
   3)WW's child discovers Internet, drugs, rape.
   [2 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   Power nap [n, colloq] • A brief period of sleep in the evening that ensures I'll have the energy to power drink myself into a power stupor.
   [2 days, 14 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    Presumably, Blockbuster will carry All About Eve when Bullock and Lohan remake it. With Robin Williams as wacky old Addison DeWitt.
    [2 days, 16 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    On a warm day, my SPF15 moisturizer calls to mind pools and diving boards. Beaches and sand castles. It's like Proust came all over my face.
    [2 days, 21 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    @emilyelisabeth "My Stepson is My Lover" should be replaying any day now. Yes: Lifetime is everything you'd hoped.
    [2 days, 21 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    God, I love two-week-old pseudo-beard. My face looks like a lesbian separatist's knee.
    [3 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    It's liberating to realize that your shrink is probably the last person in the world you need to shave for.
    [3 days, 1 hour ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    @mayjah Someday, people will speak of this night in hushed and reverent tones.
    "And that was when they got it."
    
    "What, Dad?"
    
    "Everything."
    [3 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    And with that, I'm out. Thanks for tolerating me folks. Tip your Neil Patrick Harris. And then the-rest-of-it him too. Hey-o!
    [3 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    BABSBABSBABSBABS
    
    SING THE NOMINEES YOU BIG-NOSED WHORE
    [3 days, 14 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    Are we gonna Carrie her now? Guys, we're Carrieing her, right?
    [3 days, 14 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    I can't help but think of Kathy Bates as the version of Queen Latifah it's not offensive for me to do in drag.
    
    I'm not sure either.
    [3 days, 14 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    Tyler Perry Presents Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry Presents Oscar
    [3 days, 15 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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