The best of phyllisstein (Daniel Shannon)

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1. 

   Becoming an old philosopher seems to be a process of learning to talk lovelessly about the things you've loved.
   [10 hours, 20 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Just added some food coloring to my wine and learned why "sauvignon vert" isn't a thing.
   [15 hours, 47 minutes ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   On March 17th, drunks the world over celebrate Regulars' Folly Day by wearing whatever color their underpants are and staying the fuck home.
   [18 hours, 57 minutes ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   You know I actually went to a Wendys today.
   
   Baconator? I didn't eat 'er in 4 seconds! I barely knew 'er in 4 seconds!
   
   Cry? No that I did.
   [1 day, 16 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   Bucket List:
   1. Slow dance to "Eternal Flame."
   2. There is no 2.
   [2 days, 18 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   Con: Born into an artistically bankrupt generation.
   
   Pro: Everyone worth listening to already has a "Greatest Hits" album.
   [2 days, 21 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   You know that dream where you've just finished a drag show at your grade school—looking Delta Burke-y—and now you're late for therapy?
   
   No?
   [3 days, 9 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   Just pulled the trigger on my first FarmVille-related unfriending and I have never felt more alive.
   [4 days, 12 hours ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   I'm totally makin' love in this club!
   
   To this club.
   
   Sandwich.
   [4 days, 17 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    Being a Rules Girl now is not sending him a photo of your privates until AFTER the third time you've seen a photo of his face.
    [5 days, 9 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    Being a Rules Girl now is waiting ten minutes to respond to his direct sexual advances so he doesn't know you turned push notifications on.
    [5 days, 9 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    I'm having a panic attack because I can't find my Ativan.
    
    Aaand, my psyche is a fetus-shaped NASCAR track.
    
    Blammo! Kablooey!
    [5 days, 19 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    I'm not saying I don't like Final Fantasy. I'm just saying I miss when "party planning" had nothing to do with positioning my Black Mage.
    [6 days, 14 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    @drw I figure the best way to handle uncomfortable reminders of your mortality is to turn them into comforting reminders of someone else's.
    [1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    Take heart. Every dead child star means five minutes closer to midnight on @justinbieber's personal Doomsday Clock.
    [1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    That's going to be today's "Heath Ledger quits us" tweet, isn't it?
    
    Go ahead, whole rest of the Internet!
    
    Say it! Teach me to hate again!
    [1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Maybe he could've read the dosing instructions correctly if he'd taken off his sunglasses.
    [1 week ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    Eat them with a fork and potato chips are just hash browns you didn't have to cook.
    
    I'ma call my Food Network show "Fryin' 'n' Cryin'!"
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    You learn a lot about a man in those moments of heart-rending struggle between seeing the jar of gravy and not drinking the jar of gravy.
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    @emilyelisabeth And Reverend Camden IS ALWAYS THE RAPIST.
    [1 week, 2 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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