The best of luckyshirt

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1. 

   There are no atheists driving behind portable toilet delivery trucks.
   [52 minutes ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Remember that song that was like "I could never be your woman" but it was a man singing to the music that played when Darth Vader showed up?
   [1 day, 3 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   I'm so tired I could eat a horse.
   [2 days, 2 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   And the Award for Easiest Joke goes to me.
   [2 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   Note to self:
   
   Do you like me?
   
   Check Yes or No.
   [3 days, 20 hours ago, faved by 23] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   I love the new sanitizer dispenser at the gym exit, but there is nowhere to hang my clothes after stripping to use it.
   [4 days, 21 hours ago, faved by 38] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   I'm so hungry I could eat a neti pot pie.
   [5 days, 3 hours ago, faved by 28] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   This is not my beautiful house.
   
   This is not my beautiful wife.
   
   This is not my beautiful police car.
   
   This is not my beautiful border run.
   [6 days ago, faved by 50] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   I just worked out so hard, I want to travel back in time 3 hours and kick sand in my own face.
   [6 days, 21 hours ago, faved by 47] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    @theresa_lauren Do you taste pennies?
    [6 days, 21 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    You may not know this about me, but I can kill a man with a paperclip.
    
    And by "a man", I mean "my productivity".
    
    Look, I made another S.
    [1 week ago, faved by 122] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    I wish more foods were packaged like Pringles, because I could really go for a tower of birthday cakes right now.
    [1 week ago, faved by 117] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    I haven't brushed my hair in four days.
    
    I am looking pretty internet right now.
    [1 week ago, faved by 70] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    Never say oh damn it I already blew it.
    [1 week, 2 days ago, faved by 23] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    The worst part about being a genius is the guilt I feel when I can't make an idea a reality.
    
    Sorry, "Al Pacino the a cappella alpaca".
    [1 week, 5 days ago, faved by 15] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    I just "used" one of my old tweets on a local radio show.
    
    Don't judge me.
    
    Just skip to the execution.
    [1 week, 5 days ago, faved by 11] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Who is going to SXSW? Let's hang out or whatever and junk. Let me know here: http://bit.ly/cCJM5l
    [2 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    Show me a man who will pass up an opportunity to make a Free Willy joke, and I will show you a man who is not me.
    [2 weeks ago, faved by 39] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    Something tells me my last post is already a Ziggy greeting card...
    [2 weeks, 1 day ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    34 years ago today, I was naked, getting slapped, crying, and confused.
    
    So much has changed since then.
    
    Well, the women aren't doctors...
    [2 weeks, 1 day ago, faved by 52] [at twitter]

     
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