The best of lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor)

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1. 

   Travel tip: as soon as the plane lands, stand in the aisle, ramming each other with your soulless moron faces chewing cud, you disgust me.
   [9 hours, 58 minutes ago, faved by 15] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   World's best cabbie (and a real prince!) http://yfrog.com/jvabnj
   [14 hours, 26 minutes ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   Do you have a little Caucasian in you? #realcensus
   [1 day, 9 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   "I had a chat with that one guy, he didn't seem so bad. Or maybe he was just bad in the same way I am so I couldn't tell."
   —@indefensible
   [1 day, 11 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   ProTip: when people come up to you after your panel and say "how do you think it went?" it's not a good sign. It's a great sign. Nailed it.
   [1 day, 13 hours ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   Turns out people actually do social media marketing. Go figure. #whaddupwithat
   [1 day, 13 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   I think I mostly hate Starbucks coffee because of the green in the logo. I just don't want my coffee to taste verdant.
   [1 day, 18 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   When I text "K.", I worry my amigos will think I'm asking them to repeat themselves but then I remember that this joke is terrible.
   [3 days, 15 hours ago, faved by 22] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   "I am famous to people who like me."
   —Michel Gondry
   "Uproarious laughter."
   —Audience
   [3 days, 17 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    New thing: when someone says something really clever and cutting, go "oh, splash!"
    [5 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    Headed to UUDDXLRLRABSs (Up Up Down Down Left Nerd Right Dork Obnoxious Joke Select start).
    [5 days, 18 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    I've been informed that the correct answer is "Selleck waterfall sandwich", whatever that means. Oh, you millennials.
    [6 days, 4 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    I just pissed next to Tom Selleck.
    [6 days, 8 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    Okay, everybody shut up about SXSW until I get there tomorrow and we can make everyone feel left out together.
    [6 days, 12 hours ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO @JIMRAY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO @JIMRAY. JIM JIM JIM JIM JIM JIM...........HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO I forgot the rest of the song.
    [6 days, 15 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    I could listen to my neighbor sing her scales for literally hours. I'm sorry, did I say "could"? I can't hear myself fucking type.
    [6 days, 15 hours ago, faved by 10] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    @secretsquirrel Eight tastes like purple, five smells like two and six is jealous of Blossom's hat collection.
    [1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    When my dog burps, I can smell all 31 flavors of cat poo.
    [1 week ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    @scottsimpson Explain to me, Professor, what's not hilarious about ordering a peanut butter handjob at a chain restaurant. Wrong you lose.
    [1 week ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    The "PB&HJ" looked better on the menu. They really do have everything at the Cheesecake Factory.
    [1 week ago, faved by 13] [at twitter]

     
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