The best of lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor)

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1. 

   @secretsquirrel Eight tastes like purple, five smells like two and six is jealous of Blossom's hat collection.
   [11 hours, 9 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   When my dog burps, I can smell all 31 flavors of cat poo.
   [16 hours, 11 minutes ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   @scottsimpson Explain to me, Professor, what's not hilarious about ordering a peanut butter handjob at a chain restaurant. Wrong you lose.
   [20 hours, 19 minutes ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   The "PB&HJ" looked better on the menu. They really do have everything at the Cheesecake Factory.
   [20 hours, 57 minutes ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   Marcia Garcia is the new Julia Guglia.
   [1 day, 18 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   @mat @buzz Screw you guys. LA is sick of your shit.
   [1 day, 19 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   "Move your bowels like no one is watching."
   —Filthy Mark Twain
   [1 day, 20 hours ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   Say what you will about the man, but he takes a good bathroom self-portrait. http://yfrog.com/0n18mrj
   [3 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   Say what you will about Meryl Streep, but she can act the shit out of a movey.
   [3 days, 14 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    And yet we all lean forward when Keanu speaks, because when Keanu speaks, he speaks the word of God.
    [3 days, 15 hours ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    Ladies and gentlemen, Sapphire. http://yfrog.com/0e4zcj
    [3 days, 16 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    Oh GOD I hope someone asks me who I'm wearing tonight. Because the answer is "probably a dead guy, of similar stature, makes me sneezy".
    [3 days, 18 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    Books are the VHS of books.
    [4 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 93] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    Eat a whole Cadbury egg in one bite, shame on me. Eat all four Cadbury eggs in one bite, shame on you for looking at me like that.
    [4 days, 21 hours ago, faved by 65] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    Finally brought myself to do it, and it feels so good. (I signed up to be penpals with Barry, not this crap.) http://yfrog.com/12ey6p
    [5 days, 19 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    @dwineman I faved that so you don't think I'm dumb.
    [5 days, 22 hours ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    I get what you're going for, @redplasticcup (poopypants), but you're really diluting your brand if you're not keeping it to one vessel.
    [5 days, 22 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    So this is why two nights ago, I urgently needed that coin-operated kiddie ride. http://vimeo.com/9917412 (The whole thing is a triumph.)
    [6 days, 18 hours ago, faved by 17] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    Come to the Core Conversation™ I'm doing at SXSW with my pals @texburgher and @camh. It's gonna be so core, brah. http://bit.ly/corecon
    [1 week ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    Thanks for the help, everyone. Special thanks to @CarrieWorthen. And for all the pedo jokes. Yes, well done. http://yfrog.com/06nljj
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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