The best of kolchak (The Night Stalker)

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1. 

   What is going on in the next room can only be described as "queefer madness."
   [1 hour, 7 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   1) Go to tea parties. 2) Expose self. 3) Turn it into a pee party 4) Profit.
   [3 hours, 21 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   John Goodman being cast in a "Lawrence of Arabia" remake would be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
   [4 hours, 32 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   In our mourning we all ask god questions. Questions like "Why couldn't it have been Justin Bieber? Or Snookie?" There is no good answer.
   [4 hours, 49 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   A moviegoer was stabbed in the neck with a thermometer after asking someone to stop talking. A MEAT THERMOMETER. You L.A. people are weird.
   [4 hours, 55 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   The worst part about picking Nic Cage as the celebrity you want to stalk is that he's constantly hitting you up for money.
   [14 hours, 41 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   One in six Americans has herpes. The other 5 just have diabetes.
   [14 hours, 56 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   I've just sent in for my Peter Popoff miracle spring water. I'll never have to pay bills again.
   [16 hours, 43 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   If you don't mention "Kraft" and instead just say "Easy Mac", you're talking about the trucker who frequents the Iron Skillet on route 40.
   [16 hours, 57 minutes ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    Harry Smith's colonoscopy is going to air on "The Early Show." Because the morning puke is the most important puke of the day.
    [17 hours, 55 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    There's no place like home. Except the Coca Cola headquarters. And brothels. And brothels that serve coca cola.
    [1 day, 14 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    The more ex girlfriends think they can waltz back into my life, the more likely I am to step on some toes.
    [1 day, 19 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    I eat my pastries slowly as to allow everyone else the opportunity to imagine Joan Jett music being played over the image. You're welcome.
    [1 day, 21 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    I was a fan of jerking off to your facebook photos way before they even let you become fans of things.
    [1 day, 22 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    It's International women's day. No one has made the sandwiches yet.
    [1 day, 22 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    The best thing in my Oscar gift bag was the official "Precious" potato chip bag clip.
    [1 day, 23 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Just now: "They went to see Alice in Wonderland yesterday" "Cialis and Wonderland? Can they even play that in regular theaters?"
    [2 days ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    What's the blue book value of a 1922 personal massager?
    [2 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    This is my rifle. This is my gun. Oh shit. I think I have two penises, you guys.
    [2 days ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    Kathryn Bigelow, in a stunning comeback after those two gigolo movies.
    [2 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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