All Time favourites

1. 

   Alcohol and math don't mix! Don't drink and derive, kids! heh heh. But seriously, I'm probably going to fail this homework assignment.
   [1 year, 6 months ago, faved by 24] [at twitter]

    
2. 

   So is doing steroids a euphemism for Madonna?
   [1 year, 7 months ago, faved by 32] [at twitter]

    
3. 

   My favorite part of a woman's body is the ball-gag.
   [1 year, 6 months ago, faved by 33] [at twitter]

    
4. 

   Taking bets on the squirrel fight in my yard. $5 gets you $7 if the medium-sized gray one beats the medium-sized gray one.
   [1 year, 10 months ago, faved by 25] [at twitter]

    
5. 

   You can put 'Cuties' after 'Tofutti', Trader Joe's but it don't mean I'll be duped into buying them. My girlfriend will, though. Good job.
   [2 years ago, faved by 16] [at twitter]

    
6. 

   Are you a white twenty-something who is unique, forward-thinking, into bikes, and moving to Portland? Please don't. You're already here.
   [2 years, 1 month ago, faved by 22] [at twitter]

    
7. 

   Thanks YMCA, that new flickering bulb you won't fix really completes the SAW III feel you're clearly going for in the shower area.
   [1 year, 6 months ago, faved by 15] [at twitter]

    
8. 

   Open post to everybody in Portland under 30: Please stop trying so hard to be cool. It's giving me wince lines.
   [1 year, 10 months ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

    
9. 

   If you can't be with the one you love, maybe they left their blinds open.
   [1 year, 6 months ago, faved by 13] [at twitter]

    
10. 

    My memories of Paul Simon have been destroyed.
    
    By Paul Simon.
    [1 year, 9 months ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

     
11. 

    I don't get why people say the life of a house cat is so blissful, with the constant verbal abuse, bloodletting and forced prostitution.
    [1 year, 6 months ago, faved by 11] [at twitter]

     
12. 

    I'll tell ya who's for drilling in Alaska. Todd Palin! You see how many kids they have?
    [1 year, 11 months ago, faved by 13] [at twitter]

     
13. 

    Buzz: Did you hear about a guy in CO holding up 7-Elevens with some Klingon sword? I dunno what it's called. Me: See that it stays that way.
    [1 year, 7 months ago, faved by 20] [at twitter]

     
14. 

    I put two sweaters in the dryer so I'm eating a nice meal and making this last tweet and then I'll be killed.
    [1 year, 8 months ago, faved by 47] [at twitter]

     
15. 

    Find a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have dirty hands and a useless coin.
    [1 year, 2 months ago, faved by 11] [at twitter]

     
16. 

    He has a special way of putting his hand on my knee that lets me know he'd prefer it if I would just shut my whore mouth.
    [1 year, 11 months ago, faved by 57] [at twitter]

     
17. 

    I just rearranged my computer and every wire and device in my home. Any moment now I expect people from the future to try and destroy it.
    [1 year, 9 months ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

     
18. 

    This is really weird, but apparently Barack Obama's running mate is simply ... "Bug Fixes."
    [2 years ago, faved by 11] [at twitter]

     
19. 

    "While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
    As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door"
    That's so raven.
    [1 year, 10 months ago, faved by 50] [at twitter]

     
20. 

    I told my son not to wear his Elmo shirt to "Elmo Live!" tomorrow, but he insists on being That Guy. So embarrassing.
    [1 year, 7 months ago, faved by 51] [at twitter]