The best of fireland (Joshua Allen)

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1. 

   Another lonely Thursday night. It's like why even bother vajazzling my chest.
   [4 weeks ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   No I'm not happy to see you, I just have a USB microphone in my pants. Now lean in and ENUNCIATE. My podcast is known for its sound quality.
   [4 weeks, 1 day ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   "Mr. Allen's latest mustache is a confused, overlong mess. To this reviewer, it feels like he is intentionally antagonizing the audience."
   [1 month ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   The musical accompaniment for our lovemaking experience will be The Wall, in its entirety. J/K I'm already done. Night night!
   [1 month ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   Ever yell at other drivers so much you run out of breath and get lightheaded and pass out in the middle of the highway and get run over?
   [1 month ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   Do you like my whiteboard underwear YES OR NO. There's a dry erase marker in there somewhere, just feel around.
   [1 month ago, faved by 14] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   On nights like this, when the moon hangs low in the sky and sings Styx songs, I'm glad my mom took all that acid while she was pregnant.
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   No I LITERALLY want to butter your hot cherry muffin. A euphe-what? Listen to Miss Community College over there.
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 26] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   I slowly, seductively pull a Virginia Slims cigarette from my fanny pack. Will no single mom in this Chili's Too offer me a light?
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 24] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    You can install a slip 'n' slide on the stairs AND scar your child for life AND get a divorce ALL in less than one hour ASK ME HOW
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 21] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    That punk at the lemonade stand roofied me but good. Hope she's enjoying the expired condom and zero money she found in my wallet.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 11] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    Yeah I killed a man. Yes I did! I so did! Aw you're just a dumb little kid, what do you know. How'd you even get in this strip club.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 18] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    My doctor says: "You chewing that nicotine gum?" I say: "I thought you said to insert it rectally." I hold him as he quietly weeps.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 13] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    Googled myself for four hours straight and then went to Taco Bell because I deserved to be punished and was super hungry you guys.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 20] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    She left this month's Cosmo on the toilet. "Test Your 'Twilight' IQ," it whispers. I reach for it with trembling hands.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 29] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    I could kick the ass of basically any old lady anywhere in this Whole Foods.
    [1 month, 3 weeks ago, faved by 25] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Quick! Hide the cocaine in the baby!
    [1 month, 3 weeks ago, faved by 23] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    YOU SING WHAT I TELL YOU TO SING, NEKO CASE
    [1 month, 3 weeks ago, faved by 15] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    We don't have an oven so I tried to kill myself by sticking my head in the dishwasher. Now my hair smells terrific! I CHOOSE LIFE
    [1 month, 3 weeks ago, faved by 70] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    You say you love America but I'M the one in the Uncle Sam costume with a visible erection.
    [1 month, 4 weeks ago, faved by 49] [at twitter]

     
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