The best of capricecrane (caprice crane)

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1. 

   People forget how persecuted big butts were before Sir Mix-A-Lot.
   
   That's why the Queen knighted him.
   [16 hours, 20 minutes ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Tarantino may offer Lady Gaga a part as an assassin. How do you sneak up on a target when your hat can be seen miles away?
   [1 day, 15 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   Miley Cyrus: "Country music's contrived."
   
   Wait until her Word of the Day toilet paper gets to "irony."
   [1 day, 20 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   The girl next to me gabbing about "Idol" thinks I'm moving 'cause she's loud.
   
   I just don't want to catch 2nd Hand Boring.
   [2 days, 10 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   Remember, it's politically incorrect to call them "midgets." Today, they're "Leprechauns." Happy St. Patrick's Day!
   [2 days, 15 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   Honda recalls 412K cars. Somewhere, Toyota execs cheer...but not too loudly. You never know what'll set their cars off.
   [2 days, 17 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   They say the first casualty of war is innocence...but the first casualty of Warcraft is hygiene.
   [3 days, 15 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   Dear Earthquake,
   
   When I said I didn't mind being woken up to a thrust at 4am I wasn't talking to you.
   [3 days, 18 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   Seeking fame when you lack talent is like being a snake and shopping for mittens.
   [4 days, 14 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    Relax, people. I know when you RT your sister you're not flirting.* I was just kidding.
    
    *Not you, West Virginia.
    [4 days, 15 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    Dog show judges told to look for illegal use of lipstick, eyeliner & Clearasil.
    
    Can't a bitch just look good?
    [4 days, 19 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    Upon hearing brothels rate whores on a five diamond system, women think two things:
    That's awful.
    I'd be at least a three.
    [5 days, 8 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    I hope spanking didn't start with a woman in bed saying: "That was great! Could we discipline our kid with that?"
    [5 days, 17 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    I hate when I get a wrong number & I can't keep the person on the phone long enough to make them like me better than who they were calling.
    [6 days, 16 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    So excited to offend people in person! RT @funnyordie: Ben Stiller hires tweet writers for Night of #140TWEETS http://r.funnyordie.com/ngxxi
    [1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    Charlie Sheen has a "Sober Coach" on set with him. He has the toughest job in TV: Watching "Two and a Half Men" sober.
    [1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    UK Mirror: "James Brown's body has gone missing from his tomb." And on the 3rd day he rose again...and was funky.
    [1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    Report: "Gosselin Kids 'Depressed' By Kate's Dancing with the Stars Appearance."
    
    It's no picnic for us either, kids.
    [1 week ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    A woman was awarded 3.5 million for a botched boob job that gave her "four boobs." For that money, you can give me eight.
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    "Woman Will Name Baby 'Megatron' if Facebook Page Gets A Million Fans."
    
    Where's a "Give Megatron to Another Family" page?
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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