The best of blueyesbrunet (Danielle Molloy)

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1. 

   I'm going to use the bags under my eyes to carry groceries.
   [1 day, 11 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Tweets in the middle of the night don't count right? It's not me it's my vagina talking.
   [1 day, 13 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   If I compare the cost of my education vs. breast implants by dividing the revenue that each has generated. My boobs have a higher ROI.
   [1 day, 18 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   Left my phone at the theater.I'm glad someone turned it in. If someone saw all my sext messages my political career would be over.
   [1 day, 18 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   When I was younger I wanted to stay up to see the end of a movie. Now I'm lucky if I can stay awake until the end of a movie.
   [1 day, 18 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   Alice in Wonderland is about drugs right? Maybe this would make more sense if I was high.
   [1 day, 19 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   Me:"Fuck yah! Tron trailer!" Baby sister:"What is that?"
   [1 day, 20 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   Why do people hit you on the back when you can't breath? I'm wheezing not fucking choking.
   [2 days, 1 hour ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   Welcome new Followers! Make yourself comfortable. Refreshments are in the back. You're going to love the Kool-Aid.
   [2 days, 7 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    At least once a week a follower is offended by my crass humor and accuses me of being a man. Now I know how Lady Gaga feels.
    [2 days, 19 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    Awkward: Explaining to your son why your old ambulance uniform has JUGS written on the name tag
    [2 days, 20 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    I work in a toilet paper less office. We focus on the bottom line.
    [3 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    I'm going to fire my personal trainer. He's not FIT for the job.
    [3 days, 2 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    I'm happy to report the glycolic chemical peel did give me skin as smooth as a baby's bottom covered in bright red diaper rash.
    [3 days, 20 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    Toyota. Going forward, whether you like it or not.
    [4 days ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    Are we getting a "stimulus package" this year? I haven't had sex in months.
    [4 days, 2 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    I'm an eternal optimist. I think that's why I still shop at Walmart.
    [4 days, 3 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Buy a man a Pocket Fisherman and Ron Popeil will eat for a lifetime.
    [4 days, 20 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    Doggy style is my favorite yoga position
    [4 days, 22 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    I practice yoga at work by putting my foot in my mouth. I'm really flexible.
    [4 days, 23 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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