The best of biorhythmist (matt)

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1. 

   Sleeping guy on the bus has a laughably obvious boner. And now he's waking up. And now he's tweeting about it.
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Some of my best friends are s'mores.
   
   Were. Were s'mores.
   [1 month ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   Saying gay marriage leads to polygamy, incest or bestiality is like saying interracial marriage leads to s'mores.
   [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   I put the "id" in "bidet addiction."
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   Thank you, Bluetooth, for letting me believe for a brief moment that this woman was arguing with her baby about her compensation package.
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   When I say "Illudium Q-36" and you say "Explosive Space Modulator," foreplay has begun.
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   If Scientologists sold the softest t-shirts I honestly don't know what I would do.
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   I only date women who are taller than I am with heels on.
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man can masturbate pretty much wherever he wants.
   [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    A fun joke for your kids:
    
    Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
    
    A: Finding out that you're adopted! We still love you though!
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    Flying cars can wait. I just watched a steam-belching machine shit out a new road and it was awesome.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    Ugh, I hate it when my iPhone and iPad get scratched up by all the loose diamonds in my bag.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    OH: "♫ Non, je ne regrette rien ♫"
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    Had fun and met some great people in LA but Joseph Gordon-Levitt was on my flight so now I'm not quite sure about that.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    Terse much?
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    Told a homeless guy sorry I was saving to buy a house. He got mad and threw his cup of change at me, so now I'm… $3.75 closer to my dream!
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Look, I don't know how else to put this but your baby is just hideous. We were all thinking it but I drew the short straw. More water?
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    Could God create a booty so fine that even He could not avoid getting sprung from putting that round thing in His face?
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    This liquor and cigarette compiler keeps giving me sin tax errors.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    I accidentally killed a bee while trying to save it from drowning in my drink so now I'm a Buddhist. Well played, God.
    [1 month, 2 weeks ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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