The best of bg_wv_dave (Big Wave Dave)

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1. 

   i am so hammered I have no business being behind the wheel. I'm missing spots and mowing over sprinkler heads.
   [1 month, 3 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Yeah, it's a little Honda Civic. It doesn't mean I wanna race every pizza-faced 16 year old to the next light.
   [1 month, 3 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   Still fulfilling my obligation to Columbia Music. 19 CDs for a penny seemed like a great deal in 1987.
   [2 months, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   Yes son, your ability to stink up the car loosely qualifies you as an Airbender.
   [2 months, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   Baby, I wanna know what makes you tick...cause I've been nervous since I saw the Amex charge for that radical jihadist training camp.
   [4 months, 2 weeks ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   Elderly man writing a check in the express checkout. My treat if you'll surrender your driver's license. Deal?
   [4 months, 2 weeks ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   Boy had a diarrhea blowout in his white karate outfit...at Olive Garden. The lesson Young Grasshopper? NEVER TRUST A FART!
   [4 months, 2 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   Dude, you got pulled over for speeding. You look more nervous than a gerbil in a San Francisco pet shop. Relax!
   [4 months, 2 weeks ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   Jeez, there's enough DNA in this pile of dirty underwear to make fifty episodes of CSI!
   [4 months, 3 weeks ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    Early man used his opposable thumbs to build great societies; and to end the painful splinters from humping trees.
    [4 months, 3 weeks ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    Baskin Robbins is practically a live sex show with all the licking and dripping and "O faces".
    [5 months ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    I thought my fondness for my favorite shirt was weird until I learned how many of you guys are having sex with a special sock.
    [5 months, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    Furniture makers designing bigger chairs for growing American bottoms. Toilet makers decline to comment on American asses.
    [5 months, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    Wrote a poem about lovemaking. Maybe "sensual fruit" would have been a more romantic euphemism for the vulva than "hairy butter cookie".
    [5 months, 2 weeks ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    Local liquor store billboard says "Helping ugly guys get laid since 1978." Truth in advertising.l
    [5 months, 2 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    Breaking a beer bottle on your own head is great proof of your manhood. Also? Not crying when it won't break after six whacks.
    [5 months, 3 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    What have I learned from The Greatest Generation?
    "In the Navy, during WWII, there was no privacy to jerk off and we always had the crabs."
    [5 months, 4 weeks ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    "Honey, I want that sports car but what color looks good on me?" "That depends on how big you want people to think your dick is," she says.
    [6 months, 1 week ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    Men are from Mars, women from Venus. They have vagina and we like to pass gas and play with ourselves.
    [6 months, 1 week ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    Is there a cottage industry devoted to the production of soft, curded cheese?
    [6 months, 1 week ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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