The best of StephenAtHome (Stephen Colbert)

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1. 

   the census rules ask you to fill it out in blue or black pen. interesting that they don't allow white pen
   [7 hours, 1 minute ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   after enough blows to the head, chess boxers can get the same mental challenge from candyland boxing and peekaboo boxing
   [7 hours, 2 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   so they found a shrimp under the antarctic ice. call me when they find cocktail sauce.
   [17 hours, 10 minutes ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   president obama is going on foxnews tonight at 6pm. hope they report it as "breaking: obama abandons white house"
   [20 hours, 6 minutes ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   education has a clear bias. text-books? why no text-bibles?
   [1 day, 8 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   my show flows so much more smoothly when my legs are unbridled by the harsh tyranny of my pants
   [1 day, 8 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   afghanistan would attract a lot more press if it went by afghani stan, the frisky male belly dancer who favors macrame
   [1 day, 15 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   maybe it's bad to report on sex scandals, but I've got a zest for lust. i call it a "zust."
   [1 day, 18 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   barely survived another daylight saving time, or as i call it, nightdark stealing time
   [1 day, 21 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    found some juicy details on rep. kennedy by googling his last name. did u know that flights out of his jetblue terminal are 2 hours delayed?
    [2 days, 8 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    i prefer my sushi hand-rolled, mostly because i love the taste of hand
    [4 days, 11 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    hey head & shoulders, when are you going to come out with head & shoulders & ankles? i've got a very specific dandruff issue
    [4 days, 17 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    every colbert re-poll is totally scientifish and 100% accuresque
    [5 days, 11 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    i hate that the florida monkey has his own facebook page. but i hate it even more that he won't accept my friend request
    [6 days, 6 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    my one complaint about the crisis garden, where are the meat and gun seeds?
    [1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    voters will reward democrats who vote against healthcare just like in '94, when they offered them lucrative lobbying jobs
    [1 week ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    eric massa appeared so crazy on his segment with glenn beck, that fox gave him his own show
    [1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    Sometimes I wonder, "what would Jesus tweet?" But you can't say much with 140 characters of Aramaic
    [1 week ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    can't believe annie leonard thinks americans have too much stuff. someone should buy her a ronco stuff organizer
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    americans eat corn all day and drink beer all night. sharks should consider us their kobe beef
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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