The best of Moltz (John Moltz)

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1. 

   @jessiechar Yes! It looks great in the living room! Would you like power for an extra $3200?! Maybe a trash can upgrade for $1200?
   [4 hours, 34 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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   Happy birthday, @jimray. Have you reached the Age of Ascension yet when you can tell us your real name?
   [4 hours, 56 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   Ah, it's that wonderful time of year when the hipsters all fly south to Austin. And the rest of us enjoy a decent 3G signal.
   [4 hours, 53 minutes ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   @lonelysandwich Adam. C'mon. If Michael Jackson had died I think it would have been on TV.
   [1 day, 18 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   @baileygenine Presumably you'd make her out of take-out and cat hair? Or is there another medium you work in?
   [3 days, 1 hour ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   Jesus, you people and the Oscars. Well, while you were watching that crap, *I* finished Space Miner tonight! *I* accomplished something!
   [3 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   For the last time, the monocle *came* with the Zeppelin, OK? I am so not the guy who just buys a monocle. As if. But it came with it. So...
   [3 days, 23 hours ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   @gruber Whatever. You make more off those underpants than you do on your RSS feed. And I don't see a dime of it!
   [5 days, 14 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   @jsnell FOUR?! LOL. FANBOI.
   [5 days, 14 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    @sween Actually, they're ribbed so it's difficult to remove the penis until insemination occurs. It's a piece of evolutionary ugliness.
    [5 days, 21 hours ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    @Mike_FTW No! But you're a rich tapestry of feelings, Mike. It's hard to keep up!
    [6 days, 3 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    @jimray TEA PARTIERS DRIVE TO WORK LIKE MEN.
    [6 days, 3 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    Ha-ha! You people without dogs! I mean... who do you project on?!
    [6 days, 12 hours ago, faved by 10] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    My people pushed me out of the clan years ago so I actually have no idea what they use all of. I'm gonna guess it's mayonnaise, though.
    [6 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 18] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    This automatic coffee pot *gets* me.
    [1 week ago, faved by 14] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    Happy birthday, @baileygenine! I got you a lap dance from @scottsimpson, remember?
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Sheesh, you have one colonoscopy and suddenly everyone thinks "I have a leaky back deck" is a euphemism. And who told all these contractors?
    [1 week, 2 days ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    WELCOME NEW AGE OF CANADIAN IMPERIALISM.
    [1 week, 3 days ago, faved by 14] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    Tsunami reaches the moon in 30 minutes. So sad. The moon people are completely unprepared for this.
    [1 week, 4 days ago, faved by 37] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    Unlike you posers, I celebrate @lonelysandwich's birth 365 days a year.
    [1 week, 6 days ago, faved by 13] [at twitter]

     
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