The best of Moltz (John Moltz)

Not finding your favourites quickly enough? If you follow @twitfave on twitter, we'll prioritise you. This means we'll see your favourites much faster!

• oldest
• newest
• best
• subscribe (RSS)

1. 

   Please accept these olive pants as my way of half-assedly honoring your heritage, Irish people. [eye roll]
   [17 hours, 58 minutes ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
2. 

   I'm not much for religious conspiracies you guys, but "Jesus" pronounced with a Spanish accent does sound an awful lot like "Hey, Zeus!"
   [21 hours, 21 minutes ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

    
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
3. 

   Me: "I need to back your computer up." Karen: "She's a big, fine compu-ter, won't you back her ass up?!" Me: "..."
   [2 days, 6 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
   • 
   • 
4. 

   Yes, sometimes pride goeth before a fall. But most of the time it's clown shoes.
   [2 days, 15 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
   • 
   • 
   • 
5. 

   Forgot to set the clock ahead last night and just realized I'm 30 years late for church!
   [3 days, 18 hours ago, faved by 14] [at twitter]

    
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
6. 

   Defiantly skipped breakfast. We'll see who's the most important meal of the day, busterOW OW OK YOU ARE UNCLE! UNCLE!
   [5 days, 16 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
   • 
   • 
   • 
7. 

   @chockenberry A GENTLEMAN NEVER TELLsecond base, as I recall.
   [5 days, 20 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
   • 
8. 

   20 years ago today @mrsmoltz and I had our first date. A little late, but here's my feedback:
   
   AAA+++ WOULD TAKE ON FIRST DATE AGAIN
   [5 days, 20 hours ago, faved by 11] [at twitter]

    
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
   • 
9. 

   @jessiechar Yes! It looks great in the living room! Would you like power for an extra $3200?! Maybe a trash can upgrade for $1200?
   [6 days, 21 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
   • 
10. 

    Happy birthday, @jimray. Have you reached the Age of Ascension yet when you can tell us your real name?
    [6 days, 21 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
    • 
11. 

    Ah, it's that wonderful time of year when the hipsters all fly south to Austin. And the rest of us enjoy a decent 3G signal.
    [6 days, 21 hours ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

     
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
12. 

    @lonelysandwich Adam. C'mon. If Michael Jackson had died I think it would have been on TV.
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
    • 
    • 
13. 

    @baileygenine Presumably you'd make her out of take-out and cat hair? Or is there another medium you work in?
    [1 week, 2 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
    • 
14. 

    Jesus, you people and the Oscars. Well, while you were watching that crap, *I* finished Space Miner tonight! *I* accomplished something!
    [1 week, 3 days ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
    • 
    • 
    • 
15. 

    For the last time, the monocle *came* with the Zeppelin, OK? I am so not the guy who just buys a monocle. As if. But it came with it. So...
    [1 week, 3 days ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

     
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
16. 

    @gruber Whatever. You make more off those underpants than you do on your RSS feed. And I don't see a dime of it!
    [1 week, 5 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
    • 
17. 

    @jsnell FOUR?! LOL. FANBOI.
    [1 week, 5 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
    • 
18. 

    @sween Actually, they're ribbed so it's difficult to remove the penis until insemination occurs. It's a piece of evolutionary ugliness.
    [1 week, 5 days ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

     
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
19. 

    @Mike_FTW No! But you're a rich tapestry of feelings, Mike. It's hard to keep up!
    [1 week, 5 days ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
    • 
    • 
    • 
20. 

    @jimray TEA PARTIERS DRIVE TO WORK LIKE MEN.
    [1 week, 5 days ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

     
    • 
    • 
    • 
    • 
    •