The best of Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro)

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1. 

   Attempt to order iPad thwarted by CC verification code. Which is in my pants. Which are somewhere else right now.
   [2 hours, 46 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Well YOU KNOW WHAT LADY? IF YOU KEPT YOUR EYES OFF MY SCREEN YOU WOULDN'T SEE BEA ARTHUR’S BOOBS!
   
   …also, who the fuck still uses Hotmail?
   [20 hours, 7 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   This ends well. http://brizzly.com/pic/1OYD
   [20 hours, 27 minutes ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   LOL. They accidentally embalmed Corey Feldman today.
   [1 day ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   BattleDecks. 70 slides. Ready to go. I’m ready. You’re not. See you in Austin. http://my.sxsw.com/e/414 #sxswi
   [1 day, 9 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   Thanks to Google Maps bike routes everyone in Brooklyn can now optimize their fixie ride between Blue Bottle and the other Blue Bottle.
   [1 day, 23 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   @gruber I almost didn't catch what you were actually saying there. But, no, I still wake up with an erection. Your doctor will have stuff.
   [2 days, 1 hour ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   @zeldman No, no, no. Haim was a character that Feldman played in a film. People always make that mistake.
   [2 days, 1 hour ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   RIP Corey Feldman.
   [2 days, 2 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    You know how you send @lonelysandwich a DM and you find out he doesn't follow you and it hurts like when Dad left? Yeah, that's my day.
    [2 days, 16 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    NBC is airing the Oscars tomorrow, right?
    [4 days, 9 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    BATTLEDECKS UPDATE! Please welcome new contestant @communicatrix. Hurray for vaginas!
    [5 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    Walking through The Haight with the boy feels like a dress rehearsal for The Road.
    [5 days, 20 hours ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    BATTLEDECKS UPDATE #2: @zeldman is replacing @dooce, who decided she was too afraid to participate. Also, she steals pens.
    [5 days, 22 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    BATTLEDECKS UPDATE: I am happy to announce the addition of a new fabulous contestant: @zeldman. I will make him cry like a girl.
    [5 days, 22 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    By the time you’re starting a comp, the design work is over and you’re just producing evidence.
    [6 days, 16 hours ago, faved by 10] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    .@stephenathome has a building full of coked-up Yale dropouts to write jokes. I have 3 Cambodian boys in a basement. Leave my jokes alone!
    [1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    FF: Follow @stephenathome and enjoy my jokes a second time!
    [1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    Welcome, Douchebag Marketers!! http://bit.ly/du7trY
    [1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    I was just offered the elderly seat on the train. By the woman whose rack I was ogling. Touché.
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 36] [at twitter]

     
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