The best of JerryThomas

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1. 

   Now it's Google Wove.
   [4 weeks, 1 day ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   I do my best to help the environment by eating only one panda per day.
   [4 weeks, 1 day ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   Yes, children, all things are possible if you don't understand science.
   [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   Ma'am, I never said your baby is ugly. In fact, I have not even seen it. However, the aardvark in your stroller is adorable.
   [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   I just joined Alcoholics Incognito. When the cravings hit, we put on disguises and then get drunk together.
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   The wheels on the bus go round and round sang the children, demonstrating a grasp for the obvious.
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   The only person who has permission to use the word "plethora" is El Guapo.
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   I don't know who took the Venus de Milo's arms, but I'm guessing Shiva.
   [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   You could add five Snookis to six Kanyes and still not have enough IQ points for one Jethro.
   [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    I was laughing all night. Cause I slept funny.
    [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    The real tragedy is that this Klondike Bar did not live up to my expectations.
    
    I'll come along quietly, officer.
    [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    Back in MY day, cell phones only ran one app at a time. And we LIKED it that way.
    [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    Remember, Denali is not just a dyslexic mountain in Egypt.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    I thought the front of this building was the real thing. But it was all a façade.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    Note to the Nobel Committee: I will swap a large mayonnaise jar full of Higgs bosons for the 2016 prize in physics.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    Stupid zombies won't stay inside their chalk outlines.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Whenever an Italian family eats at Olive Garden, God cries.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    I bought a stationary biike. Because it's not the destination, it's the journey.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    Like a guy who launches cows from catapults, I'm forever waiting for the other Moo to drop.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    All I'm saying is, this "The meek shall inherit the earth" thing better pay off.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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