The best of JerryThomas

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1. 

   Actually, I'd be more interested if Tiger had announced he was going back to chasing girls.
   [1 day, 8 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Someone left a cake out in the rain. Which won't be too traumatic, as long as nobody writes a song about it.
   [1 day, 8 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   Whenever I hear the story of Jesus changing water into wine, I imagine that it's a perky Merlot.
   [1 day, 9 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   Having myself cloned. Because I need more "me" time.
   [2 days, 18 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   You can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man. No time to talk, because she sent me to the store to buy hygiene products.
   [4 days, 8 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   I am rubber. You are glue. And that guy over there? He's kind of an epoxy.
   [5 days, 6 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   SXSW = March Nerdness
   [5 days, 17 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   One time I was fired for stealing office supplies. With a fork lift. At Office Depot.
   [6 days, 8 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   I dented my Ford Focus and now it's blurry.
   [6 days, 21 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    Hey Jude. Don't listen to that guy. Make it as bad as you wanna.
    [1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    You know what's fun? Dressing as a cop, going on ChatRoulette, and watching the guys with no pants panic.
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    I keep hoping I get in an argument with a mathematician so I can tell him to shut his Pi hole.
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    If you haven't got anything nice to say -- for crying out loud, log off of Facebook and post it over here on Twitter.
    [1 week, 2 days ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    I have a solar-powered car and I totalled it. I spilled sun block on it.
    [1 week, 2 days ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    An audience with the Pope is not as great as you would think, because he heckles.
    [1 week, 3 days ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    I gave a crowbar to a man in Reno just to watch him pry.
    [1 week, 4 days ago, faved by 16] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    No matter how much tinfoil I put on this hat, it can only block out so much stupid.
    [1 week, 4 days ago, faved by 32] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    True Fact! Despite having up to 15 rows of teeth, sharks almost never use whitening strips!
    [1 week, 4 days ago, faved by 25] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    Just take those old records off the shelf. I sit and listen to them by myself. Clearly, I need a less pathetic hobby.
    [1 week, 4 days ago, faved by 17] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    By the way, did we ever finally settle that Tastes Great/Less Filling argument? Who won?
    [1 week, 4 days ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

     
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