The best of JerryThomas

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  1. JerryThomas
    I do my best to help the environment by eating only one panda per day.
    [4 weeks, 1 day ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]
     
  2. JerryThomas
    Yes, children, all things are possible if you don't understand science.
    [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]
     
  3. JerryThomas
    Ma'am, I never said your baby is ugly. In fact, I have not even seen it. However, the aardvark in your stroller is adorable.
    [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]
     
  4. JerryThomas
    I just joined Alcoholics Incognito. When the cravings hit, we put on disguises and then get drunk together.
    [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]
     
  5. JerryThomas
    The wheels on the bus go round and round sang the children, demonstrating a grasp for the obvious.
    [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]
     
  6. JerryThomas
    The only person who has permission to use the word "plethora" is El Guapo.
    [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]
     
  7. JerryThomas
    I don't know who took the Venus de Milo's arms, but I'm guessing Shiva.
    [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]
     
  8. JerryThomas
    You could add five Snookis to six Kanyes and still not have enough IQ points for one Jethro.
    [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]
     
  9. JerryThomas
    I was laughing all night. Cause I slept funny.
    [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]
     
  10. JerryThomas
    The real tragedy is that this Klondike Bar did not live up to my expectations.

    I'll come along quietly, officer.
    [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]
     
  11. JerryThomas
    Back in MY day, cell phones only ran one app at a time. And we LIKED it that way.
    [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]
     
  12. JerryThomas
    Remember, Denali is not just a dyslexic mountain in Egypt.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]
     
  13. JerryThomas
    I thought the front of this building was the real thing. But it was all a façade.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]
     
  14. JerryThomas
    Note to the Nobel Committee: I will swap a large mayonnaise jar full of Higgs bosons for the 2016 prize in physics.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]
     
  15. JerryThomas
    Stupid zombies won't stay inside their chalk outlines.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]
     
  16. JerryThomas
    Whenever an Italian family eats at Olive Garden, God cries.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]
     
  17. JerryThomas
    I bought a stationary biike. Because it's not the destination, it's the journey.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]
     
  18. JerryThomas
    Like a guy who launches cows from catapults, I'm forever waiting for the other Moo to drop.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]
     
  19. JerryThomas
    All I'm saying is, this "The meek shall inherit the earth" thing better pay off.
    [1 month, 1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]
     
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