The best of JerryThomas

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1. 

   I dented my Ford Focus and now it's blurry.
   [5 hours, 10 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Hey Jude. Don't listen to that guy. Make it as bad as you wanna.
   [17 hours, 43 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   You know what's fun? Dressing as a cop, going on ChatRoulette, and watching the guys with no pants panic.
   [1 day, 17 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   If you haven't got anything nice to say -- for crying out loud, log off of Facebook and post it over here on Twitter.
   [2 days, 22 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   I have a solar-powered car and I totalled it. I spilled sun block on it.
   [3 days, 2 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   An audience with the Pope is not as great as you would think, because he heckles.
   [4 days ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   I gave a crowbar to a man in Reno just to watch him pry.
   [4 days, 12 hours ago, faved by 16] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   No matter how much tinfoil I put on this hat, it can only block out so much stupid.
   [4 days, 12 hours ago, faved by 32] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   True Fact! Despite having up to 15 rows of teeth, sharks almost never use whitening strips!
   [4 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 25] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    Just take those old records off the shelf. I sit and listen to them by myself. Clearly, I need a less pathetic hobby.
    [4 days, 17 hours ago, faved by 17] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    By the way, did we ever finally settle that Tastes Great/Less Filling argument? Who won?
    [4 days, 17 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    Living la vida hobo.
    [5 days, 11 hours ago, faved by 29] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    When I said "I want to be held" I didn't mean "by the authorities."
    [6 days, 5 hours ago, faved by 58] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    You know, it's tough trying to make a living selling disco balls to funeral directors.
    [6 days, 16 hours ago, faved by 25] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    There's no "relationship status" to update on Twitter. I'm guessing that's because Twitter doesn't want to share me with anyone else.
    [6 days, 17 hours ago, faved by 23] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    I'd hate to be Rock, and have to come home and explain to my kids how I got beat by Paper.
    [6 days, 17 hours ago, faved by 57] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    This shampoo's "Lather, Rinse, Repeat" is not playing well with my OCD.
    [1 week ago, faved by 16] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    I found a very effective new diet plan: Every morning you have a shake for breakfast, and it gives you dysentery.
    [1 week ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    I have been shoving nails into a wooden plank with my thumb. LOLJK
    
    Anyway, totally hammered.
    [1 week ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    I bet Spider-Man's roommates always blame him for all the cobwebs in the apartment.
    [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 32] [at twitter]

     
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