The best of DieLaughing (J. Adam Moore)

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1. 

   Remember Mr. Mom with Michael Keaton? That's me now. I never thought I'd grow up to be Batman in a lighthearted comedy about children.
   [8 hours, 27 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Spoiler Alert: Brake lights.
   [12 hours, 48 minutes ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   #SXSW is the Burning Man of self-promotion. It's the Lollapalooza of First World time-wasters. The Woodstock of consumerism.
   [18 hours, 1 minute ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   The paint fumes have entered my brain and are disgusted at my lack of taste.
   [1 day, 18 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   Hypertext Transfer Protocol resource requests GET me.
   [1 day, 18 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   Baby is with @sb at grandma's near Sacramento. I'm suffering withdrawls. I think I'm going to paint the whole house blue. Baby blue.
   [1 day, 22 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   Okay, the safety phrase is "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn". Now take your socks off. You won't need those.
   [2 days, 20 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   Since I'm not going to watch the Academy Awards tonight, I'd like to express my horror and disgust at what that celebrity did, preemptively.
   [4 days, 16 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   I've never missed a single Oscar night. Ever since I stopped watching. Ba-dum-bum CHING! Thank you, I'm here until I die.
   [4 days, 17 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    Top Ten is probably my 11th favorite kind of list.
    [4 days, 21 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    Totally random strangers remind me that I know how to have a good time every time I get a phone call from a bathroom stall.
    [5 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    So this looks fun: http://bigassmessage.com/5bbcdbb11
    [5 days, 18 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    You'd never believe how many priests have to pat you down before you get to meet the Pope.
    [5 days, 18 hours ago, faved by 23] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    God! How many times do I need to 'next' on Chatroulette until I get a real doctor to tell me if my penis looks normal? Oh, five. Never mind.
    [5 days, 19 hours ago, faved by 21] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    Ben Roethlisberger is obviously German for "Non-consensual sex with a burger". How could you not see this coming?
    [5 days, 19 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    To congratulate Tiger Woods on his return to golf, I sent him a booklet of coupons for Hooters.
    [6 days, 5 hours ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Speed 3: Keanu Reaves in a Toyota.
    [6 days, 12 hours ago, faved by 24] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    I want an "I'm with F9" t-shirt.
    [6 days, 13 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    Wake me up when the next celebrity dies, earthquake kills a whole country, or another secret gay republican is caught 'stuffing the ballot'.
    [6 days, 17 hours ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    "Mr. Jobs? Are you done yet? Can I pull my pants back up? Does this mean I get an iPad now? Hello?"
    [6 days, 18 hours ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

     
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