The best of DieLaughing (J. Adam Moore)

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1. 

   I don't remember what happened last night. All I have are a pocket full of Polaroids and some fresh tattoos.
   [1 day, 19 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   Note to self: Don't forget to tell the circus midget that he was right. Both are better. Return donkey for the deposit. Pump stomach. Die.
   [2 days, 6 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   Taking a green poopy.
   [2 days, 10 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   I wonder how many free beers I can get with this baby strapped to my chest.
   [2 days, 20 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   Republicans really want to suck Obama's dick. They keep talking about him ramming stuff down their throats. Just tap his foot in the stall.
   [2 days, 20 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   A college degree is required, therefore we are completely unimpressed by your college degree.
   [3 days, 6 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   Why don't you just go by Mike Bolton? #realcensus
   [3 days, 10 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   I'm glad they are doing the census here in San Francisco before we all perish in a horribly large earthquake. #realcensus
   [3 days, 10 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   I just figured out that tears are failed wishes.
   [3 days, 19 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    It gets old watching people waste their life struggling to do what I am capable, but have deemed not worth the effort.
    [3 days, 19 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    Eating one of my business cards.
    [4 days, 4 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    I won't tell people exactly what I do for a living, but my business card tastes like candy and will knock you out cold for at least an hour.
    [4 days, 6 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    I have a sleeping baby strapped to my chest. Thinking about going to a crowed place to share when the shit and tears start flying. BOOM.
    [4 days, 20 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    What if I liked a ring, Beyoncé? Am I going to put a ring on a ring? Maybe if I was thinking about taking the next step with Xzibit.
    [5 days, 7 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    OMG! IT'S A MIRAGE!
    [5 days, 11 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    Most of the time I avoid ambiguous generalizations.
    [5 days, 14 hours ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    Hooked On Phonics: If at first you don't suck seed, then try triangles.
    [6 days, 6 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    Every time I hear 'south by southwest' I picture Cary Grant being chased by the internet. #sxsw
    [6 days, 16 hours ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    4chan favors the italic.
    [1 week ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    There is a small person sleep-crapping in the middle of my bed and kind of smiling about it. I can't believe I think this is adorable.
    [1 week ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

     
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