The best of AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber)

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1. 

   Me: "Can I tweet that?"
   John: "No, just file it away and tell it to @Mike_FTW."
   [4 days, 20 hours ago, faved by 3] [at twitter]

    
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2. 

   John or My Grandpa?: He's thinking about getting a pair of Top-Siders.
   [6 days, 23 hours ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

    
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3. 

   Alice in Wonderland: I totally lost my Johnny Depp boner.
   [1 week ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

    
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4. 

   Another "John or My Grandpa?" Wearing slippers and eating cashews.
   [1 week, 1 day ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

    
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5. 

   Let's play "John or My Grandpa?" I have second row tickets for Tom Petty and he's agreed to come if he can remain seated and wear earplugs.
   [1 week, 2 days ago, faved by 24] [at twitter]

    
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6. 

   My Papa doesn't have much time left so I'm pretty sure my sister shouldn't be using any of it to explain Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo to him.
   [2 weeks ago, faved by 19] [at twitter]

    
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7. 

   I wonder if they regret naming that show "Dining with Shamu"?
   [2 weeks, 3 days ago, faved by 19] [at twitter]

    
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8. 

   @gruber (a) You are a fucking liar. (b) Maybe you could also explain all of the giant bullfrog tweets?
   [3 weeks, 2 days ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

    
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9. 

   The Vegas tweets in my Birdhouse no longer make sense now that I'm home: "Steve Wynn is like the Dusty Bottoms of Las Vegas."
   [3 weeks, 2 days ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

    
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10. 

    Massage therapist told me to drink lots of water to purge my toxins. Lady, I didn't come to Vegas to drink water and purge toxins.
    [4 weeks, 1 day ago, faved by 15] [at twitter]

     
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11. 

    I was wrong. She did bring something to entertain herself during the flight. Dental floss.
    [1 month ago, faved by 19] [at twitter]

     
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12. 

    Chatty person who brought nothing to do or read always sits next to me on a cross-country flight.
    [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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13. 

    Well, Jonas drew the line at acting out the Elvis/Ann-Margret parts while watching Viva Las Vegas. Wouldn't give me one duet.
    [1 month ago, faved by 2] [at twitter]

     
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14. 

    "Mama, after the Golden Girls can we watch Grease?" Pinch me, I must be dreaming.
    [1 month ago, faved by 23] [at twitter]

     
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15. 

    Finally figured out that making toast "like Daddy" means burn it, forget it in the toaster for 20 minutes and then butter it and serve cold.
    [1 month ago, faved by 32] [at twitter]

     
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16. 

    Daltrey looks like @Moltz's poodle.
    [1 month ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

     
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17. 

    A medley! We all lose!
    [1 month ago, faved by 15] [at twitter]

     
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18. 

    Pinball Wizard! I lose!
    [1 month ago, faved by 1] [at twitter]

     
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19. 

    Nothing gets me ready for football like thinking about women having abortions for medical reasons.
    [1 month ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

     
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20. 

    I don't care about these teams so my money's on The Who opening with "The Seeker".
    [1 month ago, faved by 4] [at twitter]

     
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