Twitfave

THE MONTH-OLD MCMUFFIN IN MY GLOVE COMPARTMENT BECAME SELF-AWARE AT 2:14AM EASTERN TIME, AUGUST 29TH
[10 hours, 24 minutes ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

30 minutes?
I want to hear that from the pizza.
Put the pizza on the phone.
[13 hours, 17 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

I put my underwear on like anyone else. Backwards, two legs in one hole, falling down then decide it's easier to go without.
[14 hours, 59 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

Heading off to spring break. To be honest, it's kind of a pain to pack all these wet t-shirts.
[15 hours, 19 minutes ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

When you stop and think about them, treadmills are really dangerous.
[17 hours, 10 minutes ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

The dry cleaners around the corner totally overcharged me. They really took me to the cleaners. But like, again. Or something. Goddamn it.
[17 hours, 20 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

Excitedly Shazaming a song only to see it's the Black Eyed Peas is the new chlamydia.
[17 hours, 31 minutes ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

Can't even imagine how people wrote books before word processors and plagiarism.
[18 hours, 45 minutes ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

Those horrid leaked screenshots of BlackBerry OS 6.0 give me irritable bevel syndrome.
[18 hours, 50 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

This Peter Pan joke never gets old.
[19 hours, 16 minutes ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

Of course you want simple! I'm still waiting for the day a client says: "Fuck simple! I want that shit complicated!"
[22 hours, 21 minutes ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

"Orkut for Android?" Nice.

If they just added pro sports, scrapbooking, and Ron Paul, I'd finally have my perfect "Who Cares?" engine.
[22 hours, 39 minutes ago, faved by 14] [at twitter]

If they could just put a stripper pole and a bar right inside the confessional, it'd really save me a lot of time.
[1 day ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

If you think getting your period is worse than being hit in the nuts, just imagine it happening every MONTH.

What?

Really?

Huh.
[1 day ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

I bet if Sarah Palin meditated her mantra would be Um.
[1 day, 4 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

It's not so much that I can't focus it's thaFOCus, FOCUS, foakus, foacuss, what a weird word.
[1 day, 6 hours ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

I buy the diet microwave popcorn because I've found it can absorb more butter and salt.
[1 day, 8 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

The passive voice? Hell yeah! That's what's being talked about by me!
[1 day, 8 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

It's all fun and games until someone uses your butt as a shelf.
[1 day, 9 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

Not sure what bums me out more. That @jetlabels uses my tweets as his own or that, after doing so, he only has 12 followers.
[1 day, 9 hours ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

My last tweet had a typo. This tweet has a typo. My next tweet will have a typo. It's the rule of trees.
[1 day, 10 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

Husband: That's Billy Ray Cyrus. His daughter is Miley Cyrus.
7: Who?
Husband: Hannah Montana
7: Who??

I could not be any more proud.
[1 day, 10 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

With age comes the wisdom that you can drink the things you can’t change.
[1 day, 10 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

Thursday. Or Thorsday. Named after the god Thor. Who carried a hammer. So, yes, I'm hammered. Apology accepted, Officer.
[1 day, 10 hours ago, faved by 14] [at twitter]

I always thought it would be cool to pull up next to someone who was singing to the same song as me on the radio.. It's not. Kinda akward.
[1 day, 11 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

Dear cute guy on the train, when I said "Islam or eternal damnation!", I meant marry me or be stalked forever.
[1 day, 11 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

Six: MOM! SHE'S-

Eleven: Shhh! Don't be a narc!

David: Have I thanked you lately for teaching them to say "narc" instead of "tattle tale"?
[1 day, 12 hours ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

You will pry my Oxford comma from my cold, dead, and lifeless hands.
[1 day, 12 hours ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

Parenting is putting a glow stick in your three year old's pants and teaching him to say, "The chocolate milk has gone bad."
[1 day, 12 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

If Jesus came back today I would take him to a Chili's and say, "Look what you did." I would love to see him talk his way out of that one.
[1 day, 13 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

Ever set out to make something great and realize you've essentially just peed sitting down? THAT guy knows what I'm talkin about.
[1 day, 13 hours ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

There are always nine plus signs in "A+++++++++ WOULD BUY AGAIN".
[1 day, 14 hours ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

The fools at the institute said I couldn't fit ten puppies in my thong but who's laughing now? Not me or the puppies, that's for sure.
[1 day, 16 hours ago, faved by 15] [at twitter]

Hey guys check out my bracket: [
[1 day, 16 hours ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

Listen up, people!

We can solve this Bieber problem if we all start calling him "Jihad Justin."
[1 day, 17 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

I wonder if my boss was more fun and carefree in his youth, when his name was Anakin.
[1 day, 18 hours ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

It takes a special kind of idiot to eat a tuna melt for lunch right after being told by the dentist not to brush your teeth until tomorrow.
[1 day, 19 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." ~Bernice Reagon
[1 day, 19 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

"Exuse me, stewardess. How many frequent flyer miles to upgrade to The Mile High Club?"

"Go fuck yourself."

"Wait. Does THAT count?"
[1 day, 19 hours ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

Miley Cyrus: "Country music's contrived."

Wait until her Word of the Day toilet paper gets to "irony."
[1 day, 20 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

What doesn't kill you makes you slower. -Ancient Zombie Wisdom
[1 day, 20 hours ago, faved by 11] [at twitter]

Look, I'm sorry. What did you expect when you gave me money, a time and location, and asked me to "take care" of your parakeet?
[1 day, 20 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

For those of you under 30; Alex Chilton was the Jonas Brothers manager. That’s why Mommy and Daddy are sad. Don’t steal their dope today.
[1 day, 20 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

When writing stories on JFK assassination conspiracy theories, remember using the word "nutjob" may set those guys off.
[1 day, 20 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]

SADDEST THING EVER: BLIND ORPHAN GIRL PUTTING UP POSTERS FOR LOST THREE-LEGGED PUPPY. UPSIDE DOWN. BECAUSE SHE'S BLIND. THEN SHE COUGHS.
[1 day, 20 hours ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

Ugh, I'm still writing 2009 on all my ransom notes.
[1 day, 21 hours ago, faved by 15] [at twitter]

Ohhh, the handles are on a mattress to MOVE it. I've been using them totally, sexily wrong.
[1 day, 21 hours ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

Remember: If the leprechaun sees his shadow today, six more weeks of drinking.
[1 day, 22 hours ago, faved by 11] [at twitter]

I wonder if cats joke with each other about "dropping the kids off at the beach".
[1 day, 22 hours ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

THE PERIOD IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE RAGING UTERUS.
[1 day, 22 hours ago, faved by 5] [at twitter]