Twitfave

Thank you, Zach Galifianakis, for getting famous so that women way out of my league look at me and think, if ever so fleetingly, "maybe."
[16 hours, 15 minutes ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

Okay, everybody shut up about SXSW until I get there tomorrow and we can make everyone feel left out together.
[17 hours, 17 minutes ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

"Airwolf" may only be used as an adjective. ("Remember when that bear decapitated the shark with a flip on his dirtbike? Totally Airwolf.")
[17 hours, 43 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

Installing a fake hardwood floor has been a monumental effort, but watching the kids repeatedly slip and fall on it makes it all worthwhile.
[17 hours, 56 minutes ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

Well YOU KNOW WHAT LADY? IF YOU KEPT YOUR EYES OFF MY SCREEN YOU WOULDN'T SEE BEA ARTHUR’S BOOBS!

…also, who the fuck still uses Hotmail?
[20 hours, 7 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

Commas should only be associated with a pregnant pause if they're ready for the commitment.
[20 hours, 10 minutes ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

I could listen to my neighbor sing her scales for literally hours. I'm sorry, did I say "could"? I can't hear myself fucking type.
[20 hours, 17 minutes ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

It is true, though. Only freeloaders cheapskates, and leeches expect full content feeds from

[Read the Full Toot »]
[21 hours, 7 minutes ago, faved by 17] [at twitter]

Sometimes I feel pretty accomplished. Then I remember how often I have to sing myself the alphabet song.
[21 hours, 10 minutes ago, faved by 18] [at twitter]

Some mornings I just don't feel like getting drunk and throwing garbage at passing cars but who am I to question God's plan.
[21 hours, 27 minutes ago, faved by 29] [at twitter]

Guys. When you argue via SMS, only AT&T wins.
[22 hours, 9 minutes ago, faved by 11] [at twitter]

First thing I do with a new calculator app: attempt divide by zero.

2nd: Ask myself why I have a list of things to do with new calculators.
[22 hours, 33 minutes ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. In conclusion: pancakes are more important than family.
[23 hours, 27 minutes ago, faved by 13] [at twitter]

Easy tip to make the whole web look better on your Mac: Turn off Arial in Font Book.
[23 hours, 48 minutes ago, faved by 16] [at twitter]

I can name all of the Real Housewives of Orange County is what my suicide note is going to say.
[1 day ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

Two tips for faster jogging- (1) hot girl in front of you; (2) creepy dude behind you. Also, if you're behind a (1) you're probably her (2).
[1 day, 1 hour ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

Ah, it's that wonderful time of year when the hipsters all fly south to Austin. And the rest of us enjoy a decent 3G signal.
[1 day, 2 hours ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

The "RIP Daddy" sticker on your car says you loved your father. The tube top and hot pants say your father didn't love you enough.
[1 day, 2 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

Just set my alarm for 6AM. This is going to be hilarious if it actually works.
[1 day, 9 hours ago, faved by 11] [at twitter]

Sometimes I use a flip phone just to feel something. Anything.
[1 day, 10 hours ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

My Mesh Tanktop app would check tomorrow's weather and your appointments and then recommend or not recommend a mesh tanktop.
[1 day, 11 hours ago, faved by 16] [at twitter]

If you're very quiet, you can hear the sad trombone after the phrase "Also showing in 2D".
[1 day, 13 hours ago, faved by 15] [at twitter]

I'm feeling politely confrontational. Would anyone care for a piece of me?
[1 day, 13 hours ago, faved by 10] [at twitter]

Snow's starting to melt. Soon I'll have to rake the leaves from last fall and do something with the dead panda. I told the kids he ran away.
[1 day, 13 hours ago, faved by 21] [at twitter]

I'm not sure I want to live in a world where my Congressman can't surprise me with bunches and bunches of tickles.
[1 day, 13 hours ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

Toyota. Going forward, whether you like it or not.
[1 day, 17 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

If you lose paying customers trying to punish non-paying customers, you don't deserve customers.
[1 day, 17 hours ago, faved by 24] [at twitter]

"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'fucking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first."
[1 day, 18 hours ago, faved by 22] [at twitter]

Yelling, "STOP! I HAVE TO PEE!" is a good way to get out of a tickle fight. Not so good for getting out of a meeting.
[1 day, 18 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

If i saw a giant pitcher of kool-aid crash thru a brick wall I would scream & shit myself
[1 day, 18 hours ago, faved by 13] [at twitter]

The "PB&HJ" looked better on the menu. They really do have everything at the Cheesecake Factory.
[1 day, 18 hours ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

If I won the Lottery I'd do all the same things I do now, but with a fucking jetpack.
[1 day, 19 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

In honor of the upcoming Bring Your Child to Work day, my husband would like a job.
[1 day, 19 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

I've lost my will for my coworkers to live.
[1 day, 19 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

Quick! Can fingerprints be pulled off a raccoon? No time! NO TIME!
[1 day, 20 hours ago, faved by 14] [at twitter]

I bet Mary Todd was disappointed when she found out the title "Nation's Greatest Orator" referred to Lincoln's speech-giving abilities.
[1 day, 20 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

Nothing makes the people of Whole Foods more uncomfortable than watching a fat girl pick out a cucumber.
[1 day, 21 hours ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

My friends bought some cheap band-aids in bulk, but I think they got ripped off.
[1 day, 21 hours ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

"Dad, did you know in some countries men don't know their wives till after they get married?"

"Um, it's like that in every country, son."
[1 day, 22 hours ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

There are no atheists driving behind portable toilet delivery trucks.
[1 day, 22 hours ago, faved by 11] [at twitter]

WHEN YOU LOOK BACK AND SEE ONE FOOTPRINTS! YOU KNOW THAT WHEN DRUNK HULK CARRY YOU!
[1 day, 22 hours ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

I'm just going to assume that any blank spots on Google Maps is a velociraptor hunting ground.
[1 day, 23 hours ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

Um. Hey. So. Could I ask you to do that someplace else? Yeah.

I have a REALLY bad Passive-Aggressive Hypochondria allergy.

Thanks.
[1 day, 23 hours ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

Tell your 19 year old intern “Corey Haim died” and her blank stare will shame you right the fuck back into getting on with your day.
[1 day, 23 hours ago, faved by 11] [at twitter]

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

But only PhDs. Not real doctors.
[1 day, 23 hours ago, faved by 11] [at twitter]

Arrgh. I keep writing "Corey Haim is still alive" on my checks.
[2 days ago, faved by 26] [at twitter]

ME AM GOOD DAD. Me: "What is oxygen, child?" Child: "Oxygen is a privilege, not a right." Her mother: "LET GO OF HER NECK"
[2 days ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

I think I would have paid a little closer attention if I knew the two Coreys' battle was a fight to the death.
[2 days, 1 hour ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

This place doesn't serve liquor on Wednesdays.

Dry Hump Day.
[2 days, 1 hour ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

I'm glad when a concert advertises limited seating because parking is a real pain at those unlimited seating venues.
[2 days, 1 hour ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]