Twitfave

Twitter could really use an "ignore meme" button right about nowish.
[2 hours, 11 minutes ago, faved by 14] [at twitter]

If these walls could talk, I bet it would sound like someone was trapped in the wall and we'd all freak out pretty bad.
[2 hours, 42 minutes ago, faved by 14] [at twitter]

I can't feel pity for you right now as I just burped up what can only be described as Cream Of Spam. Your problems are invalid.
[3 hours, 1 minute ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

The teen area at B&N was filled with vampire dramas. It's good to see so many young, creepy goth girls taking a liking to wordy paper things
[3 hours, 21 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

My mother was right. Twitter was going to eventually lead me to a life of drugs. Specifically Ambien.
[3 hours, 29 minutes ago, faved by 10] [at twitter]

The Ambien Walrus wants me to field dress myself in the basement.
[3 hours, 40 minutes ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

Writing with @nickjonas like old times..
[3 hours, 35 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

Hey Lazyweb, Where is my Sarah Palin Hillbilly Palm Pilot generator?
[3 hours, 42 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

I apologize for being too subtle tonight. Let's try again tomorrow.
[3 hours, 49 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

I asked the pharmacist about some of the drugs you guys take. He cuffed me.
[3 hours, 50 minutes ago, faved by 15] [at twitter]

I'm going to have a little late night snack before bed. By snack I mean Ambien.
[3 hours, 52 minutes ago, faved by 16] [at twitter]

Even I'm tired of your Winter.
[3 hours, 53 minutes ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

Time will tell. Because Time is a fucking stool pigeon.
[3 hours, 51 minutes ago, faved by 13] [at twitter]

Should I throw away this can of whoopass if the date on it's expired?
Maybe I should open it up & see what happens.
...Stand back,everybody!
[4 hours, 3 minutes ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

Save money on antidepressants; Drink tap water.
[4 hours, 3 minutes ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

There is just so much more to me than Garfield fanfiction.
[4 hours, 7 minutes ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

I'm guessing this 'Valentine's Day' movie was directed by Yankee Candle.
[4 hours, 7 minutes ago, faved by 13] [at twitter]

Can someone tell me why I procrastinate? But not now, I'm busy.
[4 hours, 13 minutes ago, faved by 10] [at twitter]

Al Dente would be a great name for an auto body shop.
[4 hours, 18 minutes ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

The best part of Ambien is
[4 hours, 27 minutes ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

Note to self: buy milk, pick up dry cleaning, write core beliefs on hand
[4 hours, 37 minutes ago, faved by 14] [at twitter]

Just in time for Valentines Day, my right eye is red and swollen half-shut. So. Sexy pirate it is.
[4 hours, 42 minutes ago, faved by 11] [at twitter]

The best thing about premature ejaculation is no one gets suspicious over a short shower.
[4 hours, 47 minutes ago, faved by 10] [at twitter]

Someone with 35,000 tweets told me to shut up.
[4 hours, 48 minutes ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

My friend/Ex-boyfriend: You look like your mom when your hair's straight.

Me: Thanks!

Him: I mean, you look 70.
[4 hours, 59 minutes ago, faved by 15] [at twitter]

Ndigwei, my Darfur sponsor child, is giving me Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare tips even though I don't think he has a XBox. He's that good.
[5 hours, 1 minute ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

If you want beef, bring the tofu because I'm a vegetarian.
[5 hours, 6 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. I know exactly what he was doing in there and don't judge me because you don't know our love.
[5 hours, 6 minutes ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

Someone with 35,000 tweets told me I'm an unfunny asshole. At least I don't state the obvious.
[5 hours, 6 minutes ago, faved by 14] [at twitter]

Let me explain it this way. If I won a Nobel Prize, my mother would hang it on the refrigerator with a magnet.
[5 hours, 4 minutes ago, faved by 21] [at twitter]

I'm losing followers...and my hopes of leading a cult. Of personality. I Sell Sanctuary. With Lisa Lisa & the Cult Jam. I'll see myself out.
[5 hours, 7 minutes ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

I'm trying to initiate a neighborhood watch program but the damn neighbors keep closing their blinds.
[5 hours, 11 minutes ago, faved by 41] [at twitter]

I would call this gin & tonic a 'peace bath for my soul in a glass' but that doesn't really convey how much it means to me.
[5 hours, 10 minutes ago, faved by 8] [at twitter]

#honorsociety you guys are the best.
[5 hours, 14 minutes ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

I reject your reality and substitute your alcohol of choice.
[5 hours, 22 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

I have to pee worse than R. Kelly on a date with a teenager.
[5 hours, 23 minutes ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

The Toyota jokes are out of control. PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP!!!
[5 hours, 29 minutes ago, faved by 32] [at twitter]

Luckily, I had a 2007 Prius. Back then they were even more expensive. Probably because they included brakes.
[5 hours, 27 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

Apparently, the author of this textbook is afraid of commas. This--this is what leads me to drink.
[5 hours, 31 minutes ago, faved by 7] [at twitter]

I'm sick. So is the 6YO, Ellis.
Wife: "You can both stay home tomorrow and snuggle around a puke bowl."
6YO: "I think I want my own bowl."
[5 hours, 33 minutes ago, faved by 22] [at twitter]

BTW, I would totally do it with a Klingon.
[5 hours, 33 minutes ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

I asked Mr. Miyagi to teach me how to wax a car, and all he does is show me these stupid karate moves.
[5 hours, 32 minutes ago, faved by 18] [at twitter]

If all you can hear is muffled Nirvana and profuse swearing, it's likely just an accidental butt dial from me as I'm driving.
[5 hours, 37 minutes ago, faved by 9] [at twitter]

@blairblends @deviantpixel and @ilikeswears are all changing their Facebook relationship status to "It's complicated"
[5 hours, 40 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

I'm totally not forgetting that I've had clothes in the washer all day. Dammit, ..I'll be right back.
[5 hours, 44 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

Fine, you guys guessed it. My dad poured out my beer, so I stabbed him to death but accidentally cut off my wang. FUCKRURZ!
[5 hours, 45 minutes ago, faved by 12] [at twitter]

There is no optimism when your whiskey is half gone.
[5 hours, 49 minutes ago, faved by 6] [at twitter]

Frat boy over there is mocking this Kylie Minogue song and his date is kind of offended. Anyway, totally druWAIT WHERE AM I
[5 hours, 47 minutes ago, faved by 13] [at twitter]

The only three times it's ok to cry: 1) When a parent dies. 2) When your penis gets cut off. 3) When your beer is empty.

Guess which one.
[5 hours, 50 minutes ago, faved by 19] [at twitter]

50% of all 1st and 2nd marriages end in divorce.

74% of all 3rd marriages end in divorce.

100% of all 10th marriages end in poisoning.
[5 hours, 50 minutes ago, faved by 14] [at twitter]